Friday, December 8, 2006

i want my people to be FREE!

this monday, december 10, 2007, my father will go for his parole hearing.

( / (

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i want to take the time to say thank you to everyone for your continuous letters of support and all of your encouragement.

please continue to keep him in your prayers/meditations/thoughts as he goes, once again, to fight for his, and our, freedom...

also, please keep in your hearts my brother kamel, his father herman bell, and the rest of the SF8.

( / (

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"we are not dispirited. in fact, we are empowered by our resistance. aim high and go all out!"
-dr. mutulu shakur

peace and blessings / love and light.

Monday, December 4, 2006

it's the most wonderful time of the year...

i was just thinking about how very much we affect each other on a moment to moment basis and how very little we sometimes realize it. even something as little as the one last turn to smile at a friend shifts your life and everything in it by that fraction of a second and that, changes the experiences you have from that moment on.

because of that i am so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life. i am truly blessed. i really do believe that the universe breathed these moments that make up my life in such a way that i may cross journeys with some of the most amazing sprits of this world. we all leave a little of ourselves upon each other in each passing. although we may not know it. although it may be so small we never even notice. it's there...

i am me because of you.

on another note, it's my favorite holiday! probably because we never celebrated in my family. because of that, i have great romance with it. the sights (bright colorful bulbs lighting up the night), the sounds (carols filling the air), and smells (ahhh, cinnamon)...

christmas time is here.

although it can be a time of blatant greed with all the gift buying, i love the gift of giving. soooo, if you're looking for some music to get you in the giving holiday spirit, i suggest my top 2 favorites: a charlie brown christmas by the vince guaraldi trio, and yes, the old school merry christmas by mariah carey

i will be celebrating this year's holiday's with yogiraj (the sunshine on my cloudy day) and his family. can't wait to see the little seemingly insignificant thing that make family time so special. i LOVE to see love.

what are your family traditions? anything i particular you and yours do to make the holiday special? do you open presents the night before? do you all go and shop for a tree together? is your aunt so and so always giving you the most randomly scary gifts? comment back and let me know...

peace and lots-o-love

Friday, November 24, 2006

top 5 reasons my thanksgiving rocked...

in no partiular order:

- bringing 50 or so people together for a southern dinner to meet my moms. (i'm still full.)

- 4AM sunrise ceremony with the native americans on alcatraz. (very humbling.)

- serving the homelsess. (gotta give back yo!)

- thanksgiving dinner with my grandma pakistani-style. (mmmmmmm...goood.)

- couch cuddling on a friday night. (ahhhhh...)

thank you and goodnight.

Monday, November 20, 2006

dear momma, you are appreciated... mom will be here in app. 9 hrs for the first time since the 2 years i've been here. yeah.

it's kind of bitter sweet. we have this way about us she and i. we're VERY much alike and so we bump heads a lot. A LOT. but, i've come to realize that the things in her that irritate me are often the things in me. big dinner planned. lots of friends and family coming. should be good.

i always exlain her as a perfectly aged version of me.

life is moving along. still temping at delta dental and putting out resumes.

dating the most amazing man, and that's all i will say about that. but i might say it again. amazing man. yeah.

recently realize i can't go home for the holidays. 2nd year in a row. but life and responsibility calls. as i did last year, i'll be with an amazing family watching, laughing and loving. definitely not my family, but a good sustitute indeed. and an honor. so even though i'm bummed, i also know it 's going to be an amazing holiday season yet again...

ok, just a quick random update. i'm off to bed. gotta hit the gym in the AM. hope you have a good night. sweet dreams...


Thursday, November 16, 2006

fish in the sea you know how I feel...

"it's a new dawn
it's a new day
it's a new life
for me
it's a new dawn
it's a new day
it's a new life
for me
and i'm feeling good..."

'feelin good' by nina simone

Monday, October 30, 2006

parting is such sweet sorrow...

hey to all. so i've been getting alot of "where are you?" messages.

i quit my job at Current TV about a month ago (a WHOLE different blog) and i don't have internet access nor do i have a computer at home, so i'm not myspace that much these days.

SO please don't think that i've gone off to some distant never-never land. continue to leave me messages (but only lovely, nice ones...please and thank you.) and i'll try to keep up on my end as well...

lots happening and updates to come.

needless to say i am happy and well.


Tuesday, September 26, 2006


it's midnight and i want oh so badly to go to sleep. but i can't. have to pick up a friend from the airport at 1AM. therefore...i myspace. evil, evil addictive myspace. what have you done to me?!?!?!

but i digress...

i had my chart read earlier this eve. yep. i get my cards read once a month. aside from all the hocus pocus i know that we are definitely affected by the movements of the universe. and if you can find someone you connect with that can truly see "you", then hey, i'm down for the journey...

anyhoo, after getting my cards read, gina loaned me a book on - the taurus.

yeah, i'm a taurus. most notably known for our extreme stubbornness and being creatures of habit.

so, i flipped through and skimmed a bit. haven't really dug into yet but the first paragraph was pretty interesting. so of course...i share:


"taurus woman is the zodiac's barefoot contessa, a sort of tribal princess who embodies the combined spirit of regal immunity and pastoral naïveté. in every aspect, she is a "living doll"--an infinitely fun-loving character who approaches life with an unspoilt, childlike vision and in so doing, she freely spreads joy. taurus feels it her purpose to create a little bit of heaven here on earth, on one level procuring, and indulging in, as much epicurean delight as she might; while, on another, living as if it were a sacred right to do so. professionally, she tends to pursue careers that perpetuate her carefree sensibility, providing her a sense of play while offering amusement to others. though she is a materialist of the first order, she espouses simple luxuries, viewing wealth as a natural birthright, often dedicating herself to the needy, and particularly to children. her guileless glee and secure sense of self make others feel as if they're in the presence of a favorite baby-sitter. in truth, no other woman enjoys being a girl more than this eternal nymphet, the whole of whose existence is an exploration of the feminine experience--from trial to exaltation. her greatest goal in life is to be worthy of having lived it. as such, taurus seeks to surround herself with "quality" people: in a man she demands the full package--looks, personality, sense of humor, roguish charm, sexual ability, a boyish spirit, and a bankroll that could choke a bull--expecting to be cherished unerringly and in the extreme. her female friendships are an all-out celebration of womanhood, an often earthy-crunchy affair marked by mutual nurturing and a shared journey of self-discovery."

wow. really?

now, zodiacal interpretations are not necessarily a dead on descriptor. some things may even be completely off. but, there are definitely little bits and pieces of me in there somewhere...

what about you? what's your sign? are there any resemblances?


Friday, September 22, 2006

have yourself a merry little weekend...

just wanted to wish you all a wonderfilled weekend! i know mine is going to be gloriously crazy, and i'm looking forward to every minute. lost of things to do, people to see and debaucherous moments to be had :-) i was bored, it was 3AM, and i couldn't sleep, so i filled out the following survey. please don't judge me to harshly now...


peace and blessing. love and light.

1. LA or New York?
eh...not really excited about either. but i do love how you can live in NY your whole life and never see everything it has to offer...

2. Red or White wine?

3. What's something a member of the gender you prefer can wear to turn you on?
A genuine smile

4. What's something a member of the gender you prefer can wear to turn you off?
cologne. it's really annoying.

5. Who was the last person you kissed? drunken friend kisses count?

6. Favorite cuss word?
Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!!!! Its so universal.

7. Favorite non-alcoholic drink?
Coffee. Yes please.

8. Blondes or Brunettes?
whatevers natural

9. What's something you always have on you?
flip flops!!

10. Do you stay awake in bed thinking or do you fall asleep in 5 seconds?
Endless mind chatter...

11. What celebrity would you like to fight the most?
I dont fight. But I would tell beyonce a few things about herself. woman to woman.

12. What's the last thing that made you cry or got you teary eyed?
Pacs little bro called me. hes such a beautiful soul.

13. What's your favorite holiday?
Christmas! We didnt celebrate it in my house so I would go visit with friends. I love to watch all those small family traditions that are unique to each family.

14. What are you listening to right now?
Rachid Taha some good French/Algerian shit.

15. Are your parents still together?
Never were. mom's has been married to my dad (actally step-dad) all my life until 5 years ago. Theyre best friends and soul mates.

16. If you inherited $20 million, what are the first 5 things you'd do with the money?
1) Send my grandparents to Africa and set them up with a place they never have to worry about
2) set up a trust for my nieces
3) get my moms center up and running
4) pay off my debt
5) move to some island and send my best buds plane tickets to come and kick it with me yo!!!

17. What was the best year of your life?
the present one

18. Why?
i'm still here and handling on my own. i've met some of the most amazing people and had some of the most amazing experiences. it's been good...

19. Have you ever flown first class?
Yep. Beware it will make every other economy flying experience sub-par

20. Who was your first kiss? like a real kiss?
Haha. Sadly I dont remember. I was 21 and drunk.

21. What are you SUPPOSED to be doing right now?
Working. but i'm so happy it's friday and sunny outside so i'm procrastinating. but only a little bit.

24. Pro Life or Pro Choice?
Pro-choice with life in mind (not down for ppl who use it for birth control)

25. Favorite physical features on the opposite sex?
mouth, eyes, hair

27. How old are you today?

28. Who do you have a crush on that doesn't know yet?
nah. for the most part i prefer to get it out in the open. Why the hell not? I suck at crushes though. the only times in my life where i'm socially awkward and insecure.

29. Best movie you've seen this year?
When the levees broke by spike lee. good shit. watch it. now!

32. Ever been in love?
every moment i get the chance...

33. Who makes you laugh the most?
Oh...everyone! I love to laugh!

35. What was the last CD you bought?
Ratatat. Their song Lapland changed my life the first time I heard it.

36. South Park or Simpson's?
oh my god...THEY KILLED KENNY!

37. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner?
breakfast for dinner

38. When was the last time you talked to your mom?
This morning. Our daily argument. Today I won!!!!!!

39. Have you ever written a song?

40. Can two people be "just friends"?
Fa sho.

43. American, Cheddar, or Swiss cheese?

44. What was the best thing about high school?
Carefree. Minimal responsibilities. Good friends. Sports. Band nerdidom (i just made that word with me!).

46. Are you sleepy?
Nah. I had a great 6AM workout that gave me lots-o-energy and Im one of those annoying the hills are alive with the sound of music! morning people. Its gross. I know.

47. When was the last time you were drunk?
Um...last night. Definitely.

48. What do you want on your tombstone?
She had a lot of love to give.

49. Your name spelled backwards?

50. Where were your parents born?
Moms was born in the great state-o-texas!

51. What is the last thing you downloaded on your computer?

52. What's your favorite restaurant?
Ojedos in south dallas. Tex-mex is the ONLY mexican food worth eating!

53. What's one thing most people don't know about you?
Um...i dunno. Im way to open. Like now. I totally just farted at my desk. Sorry Dennis :-)

54. Are you in love?

55. What type of music you dislike most?
I love EVERYTHING!! Bring it.

57. Do you have a car? honda. But Im a Chevy girl and I do miss the 7Z1. It was dreamy...

58. One thing you want right now?

59. Ever prank call anybody?
Oh yeah

60. If you could be a famous person for a day who would you be?
Um...john malcovich. I want to know what goes on in that mind of his. Oh wait...there was a whole movie about it. A good one too. Damn...

61. Would you go bungee jumping or skydiving?
Been bungee jumping...going sky diving next month hopefully

62. Where do you want to be in 5 years????

63. Will u repost this??
Sure...why not.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

that's the golden time of day...

ahhh...indian summer in san francisco. it's been beautiful and bright! i was beginning to wonder if we would ever get a glimpse of the summer sun around here. i was at a bikram yoga class (yoga in 105-110 degrees) recently and while everyone else was dying, i was in heated heaven. thats an average summers day in texas, and oh how i do miss those sunny sunday afternoons. sittin on the front porch drinking some sweet tea my momma made and listening to frankie beverly & maze. chin watching music videos. the girls covered in dirt. tera perming her hair. daddy playin dominos and droppin old school knowledge with some of the youngsters from down the street. and as always, mom and grandma knee deep in garden glory. "...thats the golden time of day".

the sun definitely re-energizes the spirit. YEAH!!

looking forward to the sf lovefest this weekend! a festival for love? im down! pink tutu's, black corset's and loads of electronic i come! not that i need a reason to love on people :-)

ending my time here in the office. my last day at current tv is next friday. although im looking forward to the freedom, its very bitter sweet. its been my dysfunctional family for the past 2 years and im really gonna miss these peeps...

how are you?!?!?!?!?!


Monday, September 18, 2006

girl, put your records on...

i love old school music. i love new music as well, but this blog is my love ballot to the classics...

ps: when re-reading i found this to not be as free flowing as i hoped. so, sorry if it's a rigid read.

i was hanging with friends one night and i ended up being the DJ. now i knew right off this would be oh so painful. i listen to everything and very sporadically. like, i can put on some al green and then play metallica and top it all off with a bit of antonio carlos jobim followed by some postal service. that's the way my mind works. but not everyone is like this. so me being DJ can be brutal.

i tried oh so hard all night to find that song that would link everyone but i never did. i thought it might be bebel gilberto. then i tried bob marley, and he was the closest, but not quit. i remember thinking, i have so much more respect for DJ's right now. it was painful for me. seeing some people love it and some people waiting for it to be over. i know that you can't always be on the same page, but it's what i strive for. to create harmony around me.

i never found that song.

but i did figure out that the beauty of music is that it speaks to us all in different ways. i'm beginning to love how a song/music can change your life and mean absolutely nothing to someone else.

for me music free's my mind. not words because i have a hard time getting into someone else's words that aren't mine. but the actual music. tones, notes, arpeggios, harmonies, bass, sound waves, ect. words are restrictive, only allowing you to express and feel so much. music picks up where words leave off leading you into the outer most realms and sometimes beyond.

have you ever heard a song that so good you wanted to be inside of it. weird i know but that's the affect that it can have on me. wanting to literally be a part of it. now that's a good song...

i was thinking about the greats in my life. bob marley, nina simone, van morrison, tupac, ect. there are more be these are the ones that have been with me for a while. now already some of you are like, "eh, he/she's ok". but i love that. see, to me these artists were able to truly change me. and every artist is different and comes from a different place. it's so much more than me "liking" your song. it's making me connect with it.

take bob marley. although i don't connect completely with his lyrics, i feel them. he literally brings me into his world and i am changed everytime. i am a slave on the pirate ship (redemption song), i am leading my people to freedom (exodus), everything WILL be alright (three little birds), i am a buffalo soldier, dreadlocked rasta (buffalo soldier).

with someone like a nina simone, she goes straight for the soul. past the heart and skip the spirit and right to the enter of your being. i don't know how but that voice of hers carries every emotion she's ever felt. yet she so in control of it.

so different from a beyonce or a christina who have phenomenal voices, but are just that. voices. i once thought mariah carey would be able to graze that level of feeling. old school mariah with songs like can't let go and vanishing and i don't want to cry. she had that potential to me at one time. not capture it, but a good modern day translator of sorts. not anymore. now shes just another voice to me. a good one no doubt. but her music has become background noise. and i dont mean that negatively. she has become who she was meant to be.

and why is this. why is it so hard to find modern artists who know how to make you feel? there are definitely great artist out there, but they are becoming more hard to find amongst the chatter. and i love the chatter too. i am a not-so-secret pop junkie at times and an acoustic slut always. it has its place in my life as well. you need the balance. but theres really no comparison.

generations of music lost to remembrance.

in a lot of ways, it seems to me that artists have in some ways replaced feeling with words. all these song with complicated, deep, verbally beautiful lyrics but thats it. the beauty of these old school artists is that a sam cooke can make you feel like youre on that dock in the bay and thats all he said. sitting in on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away simple. etta james said i would rather go blind, than to see you walk away from me and im there feelin the same way with my heart on the verge of broken. again, simple yet powerful.

tupac had that ability more in his early years for me. the 2pacalypse album just spoke to me. and not because he was my brother. but because of the very raw and unconditioned way put his heart into those songs. he was an a great storyteller. telling the stories of his life. and in a way that was humbling. he was very unfashioned and all over the place but thats why it worked. he wasnt tainted yet. It was more free in a lot of ways. when he was rapping he was telling you all the secret things he might tell his therapist. reliving it of sorts. but unlike bob where i felt i was there, pac wanted you to listen. he wanted you to see.

so yeah. wow. that was a long blog about music. i am listening to the song on my homepage repeatedly today. i love it! nothing life changing; its just one of those feel goods that takes me to an island where im drinking milk from a coconut on the beach and doing mischievous things.

ahhh back to work. sorry that was such an abrupt ending. it bes that way sometimes.

what about you? any songs that mean more than most?

would love for you to suggest some songs i should listen too. always down to hear new music.

song you MUST hear:
(I had to limit myself to 5 artists)
rather go blind (etta james)
sunday kinda love (etta james)
feelin' good (nina simone)
sinnerman (nina simone)
i'll be seeing you (billie holiday)
can't take that away from me (billie holiday)
babylon system (bob marley)
no woman no cry (bob marley)
ill be your lover too (van morrison)
sweet thing (van morrison)

i bare my windowed self...

ok, not in my defense, because i am me, but for your understanding, i spend about 98% of my time in my head. literally. its tiresome and i often wish i could not think and analyze so much, but i don't know how to stop it and denial is just not possible. i sometimes dig in and go deep instantaneously and can be intense and i know it's alot and it's all over the place. that's cool. i explain things in a way that can make you uncomfortable at times and in other moments it's like a warm blanket of understanding. sometimes i'm right on and others i'm completely off. sometimes it makes sense, and sometimes it doesn't at all. i don't know why this is, but i do know that if i don't let it be what it is and do what im moved to do, which is will drive me crazy.

so, if you read something i've written and you're like "she's crazy". you're right. i am. to someone else and at another time i may be a teacher or sorts. and that's right too.

sometimes its not for you. sometimes it is and you just don't know it yet. and every once in a while...we connect.


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

still i rise...

Today the 10 year anniversary of my brothers death. As cliché as it sounds, it seems like yesterday he was making fun of my Texas accent. He loved to do that :-)

Did you know that Pac LOVED pomegranates?

Did you know that one of his favorite songs of ALL time was Redemption Song by Bob Marley?

Pac was 9 when I was born. He was so excited that he wrote poetry for my naming ceremony. When I was around, he loved to tell people how I was glued to his hip for that first year. Apparently when I started crawling, I would get up every morning, take off my diaper and sit right on his head. As if thats what youre suppose to do in the morning. Like brushing your teeth.

This is the Pac I know.

I dont know the intimate details of his rap career, or the details of his crazy legal situations. I just know my big brother. We didnt grow up in the same house, nor do we share the same mother, but he is my brother. Make no mistake about that. And dont you dare question it.

Our little brother Chinua has Down Syndrome. Just in case you dont know, that makes him extra special. Extra connected to people on the inside. Although they didnt see each other often, when they did, they always laughed. That deep throaty laugh that comes from a place of pure joy. It is a special connection that is theirs only. Right after Pac died, and to this day, Chin will sometimes wake up in the morning and say Pac is funny!.

They speak even now.

Sharing these random facts/ thoughts/insights about my brother makes my heart smile. There is so much love for him all over this universe. His music has touched so many people and in so many different ways. I always thought that fame was such an ugly repercussion of who he was. He was really just telling the things of his life. His art was a lot like his therapy. Our family history is by no means normal. His reality was the FBI breaking into his house looking for our dad. His reality was wrapping his baby sister in a bullet proof vest she wouldnt get hit by stray bullets. His reality was chaos. Pac had a lot to be angry about and he could have been that crazy muthatfucker and go out do some crazy shit, but he decided to channel all (well most) of that energy into his music. And thats what he did. People wonder how my step-mom is still able to put out records. Well, hes been writing since he was at least 9 years old, and where most artists might go to the studio and lay down 2 or 3 tracks in a night, Pac would go in and lay down 6 or 7. He lived at the studio. He was non-stop. Again, his way of dealing with all the things of his past and present. His way of sharing/getting out all the things that he needed to say. Its funny but I bet I could give you a story behind almost every on of his songs. Even the controversial Wonder why they call U bitch?

As for the rest of us Shakur children? 10 years have past. And still we rise.

I work at Current TV. Kinda funny since Al Gore is our Chairman and his wife Tipper had a personal vendetta against Pac via censorship in the mid 80s. Yes, we've all talked.

Mopreme is still rapping and has recently been to India to work on a world music record. Hes going to Vegas today to pay respects.

Sekyiwa is working on many things, one being the female version of Makaveli Branded.

Chinua is still in Texas cute as ever.

Ayize works in the East Bay as a counselor for a college prep school.

There are 6 of us. Almost all of you who are Pac fans probably haven't even heard of most of us. But there we are.

So enough of my ramblings. I really wanted to just thank everyone for their continuous love and support for our family. You are as much a part of Pac as we are.

Who was Tupac Amaru Shakur? Only you know that. Hes been called a teacher. A poet. A son. A friend. A companion. A lover.

For me, big brother.

Who was he to you? What was your favorite album? Favorite song? Would love for you to reply...

peace and and light.


Lyrics excert from "Life Goes On". Played at our family memorial when he died:

"Bury me smilin'
with G's in my pocket
have a party at my funeral
let every rapper rock it
let tha hoes that I usta know
from way before
kiss me from my head to my toe
give me a paper and a pen
so I can write about my life of sin
a couple bottles of Gin
incase I don't get in
tell all my people i'm a Ridah
nobody cries when we die
we outlaws
let me ride
until I get free
I live my life in tha fast lane
got police chasen me
to my niggas from old blocks
from old crews
niggas that guided me through
back in tha old school
pour out some liquor
have a toast for tha homies
see we both gotta die
but ya chose to go before me
and brothas miss ya while your gone
you left your nigga on his own
how long we mourn
life goes on..."

i love this video b/c I get to see my two bro's together again!

Monday, September 4, 2006

ode to a weekend's holiday...

my weekend started out uneasy but has since settled into a peaceful euphoria.

quick recap:

friday night itunes jam session over drinks and bbq on a patio in the haight. candid camera over the soft glow of white lights help to make the moment perfection.

house party with an arabic drum circle. sounds of the middle east on a saturday night resonate deep within. a very eerie feeling. ridiculously sick music into the wee hours of the morning.


sunday early afternoon and over the hill we go. time to do some much needed hiking in mt tamalpias. its beautiful out today. when the sun breaks the fog, the water crystallizes into a thousand shiny pieces. we sit up on table rock and talk about the reallys and the thats cools. good time getting to know allison and ruth better. its always nice to connect on new things.

my mind wanders from the ladies conversation and i stand on the rock with my arms out. the beauty of music combined with the beauty of nature can make you drunk. i love my ipod.

take in all the beauty of the universe. release the trivialities and restrictions that we place upon her. be one.

as we marched down the hill, the sun spliced through the trees making the greens tangy and the background of ocean water look crisp.

bob dill is good people. went to visit in bolinas. here the earth glistens and theres a peace in the air that can still the soul.

im glad i could bring them into a little bit of my sunshine.

i know its kinda weird to talk about a place so intimately. its ok. let it go.

as we got back to the city, the weight of its potential toxicity turns the sky dark. yet, the beauty of san francisco still shone through, and as the buzz of night hummed outside, we began to let the wheels of destiny turn once again.

the remembrance of the day finally caught up with me and i knew i was going to have be still for a minute before i went anywhere else.

home now where i have been for the past 5 hours. snuggled tight in the chair while 1 of my roommates, DJ AM is across the way on the itunes turntable rippin it up.

if no one ever gets this but me, its ok. listen to lapland by ratatat. experimental shit. it changed my life.

reggae at the elbow room sounds like all sorts of heaven, but im not going out. way too tired. the day is settling in my bones and im stuck here. there are so many things i need to think about but im refusing to acknowledge that. not going to think about them until have to.

time to pass out. our house is freezing cold at ALL times and i cant wait to get under that down blanket and curl into a tight little ball. hope i sleep through the whole night. those nights are few and far between. well see. who knows, its been my lucky weekend thus far.

tomorrow is filled with tales of breakfast in bo, a parade of hippies, and lots of frolicking in the park with fairies and elves, co-workers and crackheads.

good times to be had always. man, i love life. whatever youre doing, make sure you do it well.

until then,


Monday, August 14, 2006

i've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...

last week was a continuous string of mondays. neverending.

except for friday. it actually felt like a friday.

weekend was very relaxing. yeah for korean independence day parties and awesomely bad movies!

excuse the cliche phrase, but lessons can be hard things to learn. even when you act on good intentions. and especially when they affect other people. they're utterly viscous in those moments...


Wednesday, August 2, 2006

rubber baby buggy bumber...

top 10 reasons (but not in any particular order) this last 2 weeks has been beautifully chaotic:

10) drunken karaoke is the best...yes!
9) boat party for work-1 year anniversary of Current TV launch
8) my dad throwing a huge hip-hop summit in the prison where he is.
7) getting a promotion at work AND a little (LITTLE) more money.
6) going to motoGP with my girl Laina-loo!
5) modeling and singing for the freebox fashion show in my favoritest place - bolinas.
4) movie in the park (showing: raiders of the lost ark!!)
3) my boy michael tolcher performing in town AND finding out out top secret info...muahahahahahahaha!
2) ridiculous thievery corporation show. RIDICULOUS!!
1) almost equal but a little bit more ridiculous manu chao concert. best concert Ive ever been to. by far!

ok, just random info. hope you have a GORGEOUS week! be safe and be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

muito amor e muitos beijos...paz!

Monday, June 5, 2006

lions and tigers and bears...oh my!!

so its been a pretty crazy past week and end.

tom and kamel (roomate and family) brought lauryn hill to town last thursday. 1st show sold out in 2hrs. I mean, it's lauryn hill. around 2PM I get a call at work. its kamel. hes like, are you ready? ready? ready for what?? well, lauryn needs 2 backup down?

WTF?!?!?!? seriously? no. huh? wow.

apparently 2 of her 3 singers didnt make their flight which was why I had this opportunity. i had to be at sound check at 3:30PM. i was there at 3PM.

now im sure you've all heard that lauryn is in another place now a days. oh yeah, she is. you don't touch her, don't speak to her unless she speaks to you, don't make eye contact and you ALWAYS address her as ms. hill. but I don't feel like its hollywood like many people are thinking. she's really in a different mental place...

with that said, we didn't start sound check until like 3 or 4 hours later. the first show was to start at 8PM. ok, standing on a stage, holding a mic and singing (for like 1 min) with lauryn hill next to me and her 10 piece band behind me...RIDICULOUS!! well, they were able to find professional stand-ins so i ended up not being needed after all. BUT, it was still pretty amazing.

just being able to sound check with her was pretty phenomenal for me. i mean, i remember being 16 and saying that if i EVER did decide to sing, i would want to sing backup for lauryn hill. that specific. so yeah, pretty much my dream came true. how crazy is that!??!??! who can say that their dream, that thing you kind of put up there as probably could never happen but boy if it did... has come true?

the show itself was interesting. she played some miseducation... songs but shes given then a totally different. sounded pretty bad at first, but I think that once they get it all together, it will be pretty fantastic. the second show, that was suppose to start at 11PM, didnt start until 1AM and it was STILL packed at 1! thats the pull of lauryn. oh, i mean, ms. hill...

4th of july was great! went out to bolinas which is my own personal piece of heaven. its a small beach community of about 500 people that have all grown up together. Theres a huge tug-of-war between bolinas and stinson at like 9AM and then have a parade and then a street party in the center of town. ive decided that im an honorary bo-local :-) after that everyone goes to the beach and theres a huge family style beach party with local DJing and lots of dancing. my trips to bolinas are without exception, always refreshing and beautifully peaceful. this one was no different. it was utter perfection...

i think im going to be able to go to burning man this year! i cant even explain it. youll have to check it out : kinda ridiculously awesome.

and how was your 4th of july?


Friday, June 2, 2006

this is your brain on drugs...

it's friday. yeah! i hope everyone has something fabulous to look forward to if not just the fact that we don't have to go to work tomorrow! me? i'll probably hit up the festival. there's always some festival going on in SF. The corndog festival, the garlic festival, the "i like to pick my nose" festival. so much fun!

saw x-men last night. LOVED it! i seriously think i have some dormant mutant power. i've always felt different. and not just because i have a split personality. hahaha. so, i've been pondering what it could be. if you could have any mutant/superpower, what would you have? seriously, i want to know.

the main reason of this blog is a "nzingha is really retardant" story.

so, when i arrived at the movie theatre with my friend fhay and her boyfriend scott, i had to climb out of the back seat of my car (i didn't want to drive). so for like 5 min we were trying to figure out how to move the front seat forward so that i could squeeze out cause it was such a small hole and my ass is so not small. so fhay and i are going back and forth, pulling this and pushing that with no luck. so finally i just said fuck it, and tried to get out. you know the "suck in as hard as you can and then one leg out, and turn to an angle so the rest can follow" move? yeah. when i finally got out of the car and straightened my clothes and all, i had this moment of clear but disturbing realization...

my honda is a fucking 4-door!!!

i went through all that trying to get out of the front door, and there was a perfectly good back door right next to me. yeah.


so here's hoping yours (and my) weekend is just as random, crazy and fun! and i'm serious about knowing what your superpower would be!!


my current song of self:

simple life - carolyn dawn johnson
I have wondered this world far and wide
I've been all around to the other side
But there's nothin' like comin' home
I wanna sit on my front porch and drink my lemonade
Cut my grass after church every Sunday
And go out on Saturday night
Live the simple life
Wake up in the morning to these fields of gold
And take a long walk down a gravel road

Spend my days in the sweet sunshine
Rock in my swing and watch my garden grow
Know that I'll always have someone to hold
Oh I-I-I wanna live the simple life

I wanna take a blanket down to the creek
And let the water sing me to sleep
Let go of time
Live the simple life
Lately I've seen too many city lights
I wanna go somewhere where I can see the stars at night

Spend my days in the sweet sunshine
Rock in my swing and watch my garden grow
Know that I'll always have someone to hold
Oh I-I-I wanna live the simple life

Spend my days in the sweet sunshine
Rock in my swing and watch my garden grow
Know that I'll always have someone to hold
Oh I-I-I wanna live the simple life

Thursday, May 18, 2006

where there is darkness, light...

death is a strange thing. that first moment you find out someone has passed. the moment it actually registers in your consciousness. the moment when you begin to process it.

survival depends on dealing. i allow myself to be sad, i take a deep breath, i move on. never forgetting, but not dwelling. seems harsh i'm sure, but its the only way i can have some sort of peace of mind. too many things in my life that could have literally driven me to madness otherwise. i don't have time to be crazy. everyone's got shit, mine's not special.

this trait has been passed through generations of female energy in my family. we're very much alike, us hearn/shakur women. as soft and fragile as a butterflies wings that can be damaged by the slightest human touch; as strong and tough as the great redwood trees that live for thousands of years. the duality of life. we are survivors. we don't know how to be any other way.

so, here i am again, going through the whole process of dealing. this is all i have to say about it. in a little while it will be over and i'll be ok. but for now, i grieve...


" for what is it to die, but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
-kahlil gibran

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

25 evolutions around the sun and back again...

today is my 25th bday...


mom called this morn and said "babygirl, the quarter-life never looked so good!"

thanks mom.

i wanted to take a moment to honor the people in my life; without you guys i wouldn't be the slightly well adjusted being i am today! i am daily thankful that the universe bestowed upon me its most precious creations in the form of my beautiful friends and family; both old and new.

the old grounds me deep in the roots of my past, and in doing so allows me to flourish in the new that takes me beyond the outer most realms...

you all constantly love me with all of my flaws, encourage me to do my best, challenge me to always move forward and calm the insanity within by allowing me to be; all the while keeping this stubborn bull in check (that damn taurus in me).

from the very depths of my heart...thank you.


Tuesday, May 9, 2006

om shanti shanti shanti...

soooooo, i'll be 25 soon and as always, pondering my next move. like usual, i am working on forward movement with Self (some days more than others); mentally, physically, trinity is working overtime!

what will this new year have in store for me?

now a days everyone is talking about this idea of a quarter life crisis. same idea as a mid-life crisis, but it's mid-mid-life. i totally bought into it at first (yeah, i'm having a breakdown...ahhh!!) but then i realized its kind of a cop-out at the same time. do we not know what to do with ourselves sometimes? fa sho. but EVERYONE does. being 25 doesn't give you some special privilege to feel sorry for yourself. we all get that feeling. i promise. my mom is 51 and still trying to figure her shit out. i feel like it's a luxury to say "oh, what to do with my life..." there are a lot of people that don't have that choice. they have to "do" to survive. whatever life hands them, they deal. just get over yourself already nzingha!

although i don't have alot, i've never been without. yeah, i've had some fucked up things happen to me, but i'm a survivor. and no matter how "lonely" i may feel at times, there are some ridiculously amazing people in this world that love me. i'm realizing it's ok to not know. although we might think that we have to have this and that done by such and such time, really, we're all on our own personal timeline with the universe. life is moving and unfolding as it should...right here, right now. wherever you are and whatever you're doing is exactly where you're suppose to be and what you're suppose to be doing. it can't not be. it is what it is. and no, that doesn't give you the excuse to not work at it. it just means that if you're having a hard time getting it, don't be so hard on yourself.

the fact that i can sit here and say "i don't know..." in regards to my present and my future, means i'm blessed. which on some level, i knew. but this was like a new perspective on blessings for me.

yes i'm a dork sometimes. deal.


"there's a version of you
that you have yet to meet
and it lives on it's own
and it hides underneath.
and it waits for the moment to surface
through your skin, and your eyes, and your tongue.
and it hates that you don't understand it yet.
you're too young
you're too young
you're too young.
you're too young
you're too young
you're too young.


and the season has come
when all things can grow.
when the sleeping awakens
winds of change will blow
and with open eyes you see in the light that the colors are brilliant again
with the strength and the sound of the crying breath,
you begin
you begin
you begin.
you begin
you begin
you begin.


-michael tolcher

Sunday, April 30, 2006

testing one, two, three...

dj playing, drinks they flow
everyone dancing to and fro
birthday parties, old but new
good companions know what to do

leave the city, let freedom ring
sun bronzing skin as voices sing
bellies full of grandma's love
lying in fields with stars above

driving back, energies high
see you next time and not goodbye
as fresh air rejuvenates uncertainties flee
and the Peace of spirit flows through me

inhale out, winding down
ocean waves a familiar sound
favorite movies come to end
soon for sleep new day begin...

what a beautifully satiating weekend.


Friday, April 28, 2006

thank god it's friday!

happy friday to all! these past couple of days have been quite fantastic if i do say so myself. and i just did. beautiful weather, which always elevates my spirit, and some good socializing with some fabulous new ladies i met. not necessarily new friends, just new energies prime for connection; especially because i was sensing that they had stories to tell. in general i'm usually pretty nosey right off. who cares if i never see them again, i don't like surfacey interaction. i like to know what makes people tick. it's quite intriguing...

i ALSO saw paul mooney do stand-up here in SF last night. he's been on the chappelle show but the coolest part to me was that he used to write for richard pryor. now that's sick. the show was ridiculous! he's so fuckin' raw and i loved it! my personal highlight you might ask?

paul mooney in the beginning of the show:
"i think we should kill all the white people. what if my momma was white? the bitch would be dead."

paul mooney at the end of the show:
"thank you white people for braving it and staying through the whole show."

to all my pigmently challenged friends, you know i love you, but that shit was funny. sorry bout it.

so anyways, i'm off to see my grandma this weekend and eat some delicious pakistani food, sleep all day and watch DVD's until the wee hours of the morn. which for me is like 11PM. :-)

whatever you do, wherever you're doing it and whoever you're doing it with...make sure you use protection. hahahaha. no, but really, have a great and safe weekend.

i'll see you on monday...


Monday, April 24, 2006

hangin' out to dry...

i miss the smell of the sheets right after grandma brings them in from the clothes line outside. i used to wrap myself up and hide within them; dreaming dreams and thinking thoughts...

they always smell just like a summers day. as if by breathing them in, i could feel the warmth of the sun shining down and the energy of the afternoon breeze flowing through, just as they had.


Thursday, April 13, 2006

rainbows and flutterby's...

this is how i started my morning. ache! mother nature is truly the most beautiful of artists...

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Tuesday, April 11, 2006


i read this quite a while ago, and it often comes back to me presented in the most random of ways. today it was my niece who needed me to read something for her online and it happened to be at the top corner of the page.

from the gospel of thomas:

"the kingdom of God is inside you and all around you; not in mansions of wood and stone. split a piece of wood...and I am there. lift a stone...and there you will find me."

no matter what spiritual path you follow, i love the empowerment and freedom this presents...


Monday, April 10, 2006

april showers bring may flowers?

it has been HELLA rainy here. i've heard it's not normal of SF weather so it's a bit less depressing, but not by much. i need some sunshiney goodness! i need the sun's warm rays of rejuvenation! my insides (metaphorically and literally) have been melancholy for a while now. a multitude of reasons for this, but one simply being because I haven't been able to be out. cabin fever is a bitch. i miss texas (i remember when it was 75 degrees on christmas day...that's how we do).


saturday the sun came out (YEAH for me!) and i immediately remember how beautiful "being" is. yes, it was that serious. to feel the warmth on my skin, to see the rich colors twinkle and shine, to smell the honeysuckle (which i was pleasantly surprised to find here) and to enjoy people celebrating nature's simple treasures.

waking up around 7AM, i spent ALL day outside. avoiding as many buildings and cars as possible, i ran and hiked and walked and hiked some more. lots of working through thought processes i've been avoiding and LOTS of meditation. ipod shuffle in hand (must have music at all times). hahaha, there were several times when i randomly broke out in a smile for no particular reason other than the fact that i was in a place of pure happiness. i'm a dork, i know. but it was truly a wholesome, great day.


here it is monday again and i'm back at work. mondays are rough. memories of the weekend still lingering yet so far away at the same time. the dark clouds are outside hovering, threatening. NO...GO AWAY! i plan to hang onto my saturday for a least a couple more hours...

didn't realize that easter weekend is coming up. anyone doing anything special? i LOVE easter memories. they're filled with pastel colors, new dresses w/ patent leather shoes, and tacky dollar store easter baskets stuffed with that plastic, streamer-like stuff (that's suppose to resemble grass) with those marshmallow easter bunnies that i hate and refuse to eat, but love at the same time. little children secretly thinking of and plotting ways to find the most eggs in the hunt. glorious. i'm going to pinole on saturday to hang with my big brother moe and my in-laws (his wife's family). lots of good spanish/nicaraguan food, cuban cigars, brandy, and latin music. if any of my peeps are going to be on their own and/or just want to be around family (even if it's not yours; believe me, i can definitely dig it) give me a holla and come with. love and light...


Friday, March 24, 2006

who's having an anxiety attack? ME!

"don't be anxious, but in everything, present your request and be thankful...and a peace...which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds..." -philippians 4:6-7


ps: if you're not into reading the bible, more power to you (i'm not these days either), but don't disregard the message because of it's source. you'd be surprised the things we miss out on because we fear/dislike/don't understand/ect. the messenger. there are many lessons to be learned; take what you need, and leave the rest...


Thursday, March 23, 2006

remember to breathe...

i can definitely be accused of over nurturing. i'm a lover. i have to remind myself that sometimes, it's ok to let go. some things are momentary. does that mean that they weren't just as real or special as we remembered/thought they were? not at all. it just means that their time in our life is no longer in the present.

this has nothing to do with today but is just an example: my best friend in high school, teefa, and i were inseparable. we were called twinkies and sometimes we even dressed alike and could finish each other's sentences. we couldn't function without one another. scary, I know. but we've been through SO much shit together and i'm so thankful for her in my life. fast forward to present date. i haven't seen or really talked to teefa in about 2 years. she got married, had a baby and moved to florida. we email from time to time, but that's about it. does that mean our friendship wasn't as strong as i thought? no. does that mean that our love for one another is obsolete or has somehow lessened? no. it just means that we're in different place in our relationship/lives.

we all have our own life's path the travel. we are constantly crossing and leading and following each others and often times, someone decides to take a journey or two with us. but eventually, we all have our own roads to travel.

some people are in our lives only for a moment.

but all the same, their timing is perfect. whether it be a guide, or a shoulder, or a companion, or something as simple as someone to listen, everything/everyone has it's purpose and it's timing.

STOP TRYING TO HOLD ON! i know it's hard. the what if? the why? the but? if it's meant to be let go, it will take flight whether you want it to or not; whether you hold on as tight as you can or whether you let it go freely. remember to breathe. the universe will continue on. the key, is to recognize that, and be thankful for the moments and the memories...

this is the lesson for me today.

i hope that made a little bit of sense. my mind works in mysterious ways most of the time.


" i love you in a place where there's no space or time
i love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
and when my life is over
remember when we were together
we were alone and I was singing this song for you"

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

won't you help to sing, these songs of freedom...

"feel the rain on your skin
no one else can feel it for you
only you can let it in
no one else, no one else
can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
live your life with arms wide open..."

and for that 15 seconds...i am free.


Tuesday, February 14, 2006

happy singles awareness/valentines day...

so today is the dreaded singles awareness day, or for some, the anticipated valentine's day. i'm a lover everyday so I don't know why we need a day to show someone we love them? on the other hand, i often wonder if i would feel the same if i actually had a significant other on this day? hmmmm...something to think about. dating in general can be hard but dating in san francisco is excruciatingly painful. um, instant boyfriend please? unfortunately life doesn't work that way, which leads me to the age old single woman's i destined to be alone? now i know, i'm only 24. but where i'm from, most are married and on their way to the family and the white picket fence by now! i'm not looking for all that, but hey, sometimes you just...want. at any rate I have three options:

1) i could sit at home and eat comfort snacks and watch old school love stories (this is one of my favorite pastimes)

2) i could go out with some single ladies and have drinks and see where the night leads. hopefully to some hot foreign man.

3) my co-worker chloe is trying to get me to go the this "speed dating"-esque party for singles.

*although i adore chloe, i really don't think 3 is an option for me but I threw it in there for good measure.

and what might you be up to this evening? well, whatever you do, i hope you have a day filled with all things beautiful! i am so thankful for all of the wonderful people that reside in my heart and for being a part of your life in whatever form that relationship takes...


-fun little tid-bits cause i am a disgustingly romantic cheesy-poof woman-

find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot . . .
. . . who calls you back when you hang up on him . . .
. . . who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

wait for the boy who kisses your forehead . . .
. . . who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats . . .
. . . who holds your hand in front of his friends . . .
. . . who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.

wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ". . . that's her."

your candy heart says "first kiss"

you're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship.

you see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love.

your ideal valentine's day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you

your flirting style: friendly and sweet

what turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance

why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive

how you are in love

you fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

you tend to give more than take in relationships.

you tend to get very attached when you're with someone. you want to see your love all the time.

you love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

you stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

Thursday, February 2, 2006

letters from an inmate...

so i got a call from my dad today. well, step-dad actually but who deals with technicalities when its family right? a little background: my dad is a political prisoner who in 1983 was on the FBI's top 10 most wanted list, and was then caught and given 60 years on false charges. that's a brief version, if you really want to know more check here. he's been in jail my entire life, so all of the memories that i have of him always begin with him walking around that iron gate with that khaki uniform on. pretty trippy, but hey, we all have our own realities and that's mine.

anyways, he's been in the atlanta maximum security penitentiary for the past 10 years. well, today they moved him to florida. I realized that for the past 10 years, he hasn't been outside of an enclosed 2 mile radius. he's missed the birth of the internet and the cell phone among other things. but, for a couple of brief hours, while being transported from georgia to florida, he soaked up the last 10 years of LIFE while looking out of a bus window. when he called me, he said, "it was good to see freedom".


Thursday, January 26, 2006

my my my myyyyyyyyyyyyyy corona...

yes, i wrote a blog about my car. so for all of you who knew me way back when, i used to drive this UT burnt orange 1980 toyota corona. yeah, like the beer. hey, it was the luxury addition so fuck you. i drove that car for 7 years and then gave it to my grandma when i got my honda. i loved that car. we had this connection... we're both wierdo's. well, my grandma just got a new fancy schmacy buick and she's selling my corona. i am so sad right now. here's a visual (just picture it burnt orange with lots of jesus stickers on the back):

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top 5 corona memories (and yes, these ALL actually happened):

5) driving a crazy colored car that every says matches you because of your personality

4) having to put into reverse to start it because of the short circuits

3) driving back to abilene from dallas when the timing belt broke while going up an intense 1/2 mile hill...lots of black smoke while rolling backwards down the shoulder

2) driving on the highway with sarah when the transmission fell off and was hanging on the car by the fan belt

1) driving in abilene when the steering wheel fell completely off and landed in my lap...classic

R.I.P to my brown bomber...

Monday, January 23, 2006

all my ex's left texas...

well i must say that ALL of my top 5 things to do at home were accomplished with great perfection! had a great time with my family and a couple of close friends. thanks to mom and grandma, i ate my ass off! all the southern comforts, and absolutely EVERYTHING homemade: fried chicken, fried catfish, home fries (what can i say, we like to fry shit in the south) biscuits w/ plum jelly, banana pudding, red velvet cake (my favorite), tex-mex, collard/mustard greens...ok, i'll stop there. i'm getting hungry just typing it...

everyone was great. my fantabulous family rallied and went to jefferson so that i could have a family dinner (i'm such the baby). daddy still has to eat through a tube in his stomach so he was pissed. tera and my 3 nieces were there, my brother chinua, my mom, my cousin mai-ling and grandma and daddy of course. my little nucleus. moms and i have a 2 day turnaround rate...which means after two days, we can't stand each other. and we say it out loud. gotta love mothers :-)

i got 2 awesome dresses for $5 at the goodwill. see, they have REAL goodwill prices, not like these shi-shi places in california.

in all my perfection i still missed good ole cali which is means i'm connecting. haha, when i was riding from the airport back into SF i had a mad crazy anxiety attack. i had been in TX where everyone drives (i mean, i saw not 1 pedestrian the whole week...seriously) and there's lots of land between things, and here i was back in the city where there's people everywhere and it's all compact. i had to have a moment :-)

so, here i am, back again...what's next?

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

all my ex's live in texas...

if i had any :-) i'm going home on saturday! yeah for me!! i haven't been home in a year (minus the 1 week i spent in the ICU in jefferson with my grandpa). so i'm super excited and planning planning planning. if we're in the same place at the same time...let's get together!

top 5 things to do when i get home:

5) walk bearfoot in some good ole country earth
4) bbq/fish fry in my backyard
3) ojedo's tex-mex and margaritas w/ tera and mai-ling
2) see my papa!! (could also fit under #1)
1) soak up and love on my family and friends as much and as

see you soon!