Thursday, May 18, 2006

where there is darkness, light...

death is a strange thing. that first moment you find out someone has passed. the moment it actually registers in your consciousness. the moment when you begin to process it.

survival depends on dealing. i allow myself to be sad, i take a deep breath, i move on. never forgetting, but not dwelling. seems harsh i'm sure, but its the only way i can have some sort of peace of mind. too many things in my life that could have literally driven me to madness otherwise. i don't have time to be crazy. everyone's got shit, mine's not special.

this trait has been passed through generations of female energy in my family. we're very much alike, us hearn/shakur women. as soft and fragile as a butterflies wings that can be damaged by the slightest human touch; as strong and tough as the great redwood trees that live for thousands of years. the duality of life. we are survivors. we don't know how to be any other way.

so, here i am again, going through the whole process of dealing. this is all i have to say about it. in a little while it will be over and i'll be ok. but for now, i grieve...


" for what is it to die, but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
-kahlil gibran

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

25 evolutions around the sun and back again...

today is my 25th bday...


mom called this morn and said "babygirl, the quarter-life never looked so good!"

thanks mom.

i wanted to take a moment to honor the people in my life; without you guys i wouldn't be the slightly well adjusted being i am today! i am daily thankful that the universe bestowed upon me its most precious creations in the form of my beautiful friends and family; both old and new.

the old grounds me deep in the roots of my past, and in doing so allows me to flourish in the new that takes me beyond the outer most realms...

you all constantly love me with all of my flaws, encourage me to do my best, challenge me to always move forward and calm the insanity within by allowing me to be; all the while keeping this stubborn bull in check (that damn taurus in me).

from the very depths of my heart...thank you.


Tuesday, May 9, 2006

om shanti shanti shanti...

soooooo, i'll be 25 soon and as always, pondering my next move. like usual, i am working on forward movement with Self (some days more than others); mentally, physically, trinity is working overtime!

what will this new year have in store for me?

now a days everyone is talking about this idea of a quarter life crisis. same idea as a mid-life crisis, but it's mid-mid-life. i totally bought into it at first (yeah, i'm having a breakdown...ahhh!!) but then i realized its kind of a cop-out at the same time. do we not know what to do with ourselves sometimes? fa sho. but EVERYONE does. being 25 doesn't give you some special privilege to feel sorry for yourself. we all get that feeling. i promise. my mom is 51 and still trying to figure her shit out. i feel like it's a luxury to say "oh, what to do with my life..." there are a lot of people that don't have that choice. they have to "do" to survive. whatever life hands them, they deal. just get over yourself already nzingha!

although i don't have alot, i've never been without. yeah, i've had some fucked up things happen to me, but i'm a survivor. and no matter how "lonely" i may feel at times, there are some ridiculously amazing people in this world that love me. i'm realizing it's ok to not know. although we might think that we have to have this and that done by such and such time, really, we're all on our own personal timeline with the universe. life is moving and unfolding as it should...right here, right now. wherever you are and whatever you're doing is exactly where you're suppose to be and what you're suppose to be doing. it can't not be. it is what it is. and no, that doesn't give you the excuse to not work at it. it just means that if you're having a hard time getting it, don't be so hard on yourself.

the fact that i can sit here and say "i don't know..." in regards to my present and my future, means i'm blessed. which on some level, i knew. but this was like a new perspective on blessings for me.

yes i'm a dork sometimes. deal.


"there's a version of you
that you have yet to meet
and it lives on it's own
and it hides underneath.
and it waits for the moment to surface
through your skin, and your eyes, and your tongue.
and it hates that you don't understand it yet.
you're too young
you're too young
you're too young.
you're too young
you're too young
you're too young.


and the season has come
when all things can grow.
when the sleeping awakens
winds of change will blow
and with open eyes you see in the light that the colors are brilliant again
with the strength and the sound of the crying breath,
you begin
you begin
you begin.
you begin
you begin
you begin.


-michael tolcher