Saturday, December 29, 2007

rhythm of christmas (revised)...

dj playing, drinks they flow
hypnotic dancing to and fro
holiday parties, old but new
childhood friends know what to do.

leave the city, let freedom ring
sun bronzing skin as voices sing
bellies full of family's love
lying in fields with stars above.

driving back, energies high
see you next time and not goodbye
as fresh air rejuvenates uncertainties flee
and the peace of spirit flows through me.

inhale out, winding down
cricket chirping a familiar sound
favorite movies come to end
soon for sleep new day begin...

what a beautifully satiating christmas.

peace yo.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

living for the love of you...

a beautiful symbol of compassion and love (read and then watch video):

Dick and Rick Hoyt are a father-and-son team from Massachusetts who together compete just about continuously in marathon races. And if they're not in a marathon they are in a triathlon - that daunting, almost superhuman, combination of 26.2 miles of running, 112 miles of bicycling, and 2.4 miles of swimming. Together they have climbed mountains, and once trekked 3,735 miles across America.

It's a remarkable record of exertion - all the more so when you consider that Rick can't walk or talk.

At Rick's birth in 1962 the umbilical cord coiled around his neck and cut off oxygen to his brain. Dick and his wife, Judy, were told that there would be no hope for their child's development.

For the past twenty five years or more Dick, who is 65, has pushed and pulled his son across the country and over hundreds of finish lines. When Dick runs, Rick is in a wheelchair that Dick is pushing. When Dick cycles, Rick is in the seat-pod from his wheelchair, attached to the front of the bike. When Dick swims, Rick is in a small but heavy, firmly stabilized boat being pulled by Dick.

They have been competing ever since, at home and increasingly abroad. Generally they manage to improve their finishing times. "Rick is the one who inspires and motivates me." Dick said.


More info on Team Hoyt @

Saturday, December 8, 2007

i want my people to be FREE!

this monday, december 10, 2007, my father will go for his parole hearing.

( / (

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i want to take the time to say thank you to everyone for your continuous letters of support and all of your encouragement.

please continue to keep him in your prayers/meditations/thoughts as he goes, once again, to fight for his, and our, freedom...

also, please keep in your hearts my brother kamel, his father herman bell, and the rest of the SF8.

( / (

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"we are not dispirited. in fact, we are empowered by our resistance. aim high and go all out!"
-dr. mutulu shakur

peace and blessings / love and light.

Monday, December 3, 2007

monday night football sessions.

the ravens played their asses off.

go new england!

12-0? you cocky bastards.



Saturday, November 10, 2007

"another saturday night..."

today i have been unpacking. i have this fear of unpacking because i'm afraid to get too settled. i have been living out of my damn boxes since i got back. why? well, i don't want to be here for too terribly long, still places to go; things and people to see you know. but, it's known. it's comfortable. everything will be ok here. and to me, putting things out and giving them places makes it so much easier to get stuck. so, today i realized that i hadn't shared any energy with or engaged with my house either. this may sound strange to you, but it's true. i promise. so my house has felt kinda cold and foreign.

today, i started taking out pics and putting little touches here and there. it's nice. it feels warmer. also, i am an uber cleaner so it's been like heaven to my OCD side. i got up and started at 9am, helped someone move from 11-1pm and then came back and am just stopping.

tonight i'll sit in my fabulously clean and "nzingha-fied" living room and watch american gansta while having some sessions with my mom, her best friend ms. donna sue, and one of my oldest buddies, kenny.

although we gained an hour last weekend, it now gets dark at 5:45pm. like, i can see the stars through the window dark. at 5:45pm. the crickets just started chirping. it's about 72 here at night. it's nice to leave the windows open when you sleep, and as the seasons change, the smell of pine is strong in the passing breeze.

southern goodness.

fast is going GREAT. today is day 6 and i'm feeling good. a little more clear. a little more in tune. a little more focused. a little more calm.

not to say it's not hard. at least once every couple of hours (sometimes twice and thirds) i go into this insanity where i think i'm going to eat everything in sight and little cupcakes dance to rhyming jingles in circles around my head. so yeah, i'm strugglin.

but imma be aight.

anyhoo, gonna get back to it. whatever it is. i dedicate 2 songs to you. feelin' good by nina simone. she'll change you. i know, it's that serious. and i'll be your lover too by van morrison. he's just such a great classic.

oh, and since the christmas season is coming up and everyone is beginning to play their cheer-y holiday soundtracks, i give you my nzingha's holiday music arc: two, two by two's:

the ONLY 2 christmas cd's i would recommend to you (in particular order):

1) a charlie brown christmas by vince guaraldi trio

2) merry christmas by mariah carey 2 favorite christmas songs for me will always and forever be (again, in particular order):

1) carol of the bells

2) santa baby by marylin monroe

sending you many warm vibes of goodness...


Monday, September 24, 2007

there’s a river flowing...

i deeply cherish moments of utter peace. especially of late. not just calm and quite peace, but a peace that comes from outside of my consciousness. for me it is usually only momentary, but serves to remind me that 1) maybe i am not insane after all, 2) i am slowly getting there. wherever there is. and 3) contrary to 1 and's not even about me.

today, while reading "the power of now" (great book by the way), i was overcome with such a peace, it moved my soul.

it rushed over me in a soundless infinite-part harmony of energy vibrating throughout my spirit.

whether you believe it or not, we are constantly exchanging energy (read the celestine prophecy). in our ultimate state, we EQUALLY exchange energy back and forth with each other and all things. i am becoming more aware of how much energy i give of myself and how much i take in from others.

today i was equally communing with Oneness. peace like this is a cycle of sorts. an exchange of energy between you and the universe. your energy goes out into the universe, the purest form, and comes back renewed by it's power.


what a blessing.

love and light.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

11 years gone and still we rise...

today marks the 11th anniversary of my brother's death.

there is so much love for him all over this universe and his music has touched so many people in so many different ways that on this day, i wanted to just thank everyone for their continuous love and support for our family and for my brother.

you are as much a part of pac as we are.

if you have a chance today, i would love to know who he was to you? what was your favorite album? favorite song? favorite movie?

-r.i.p. tupac amaru shakur-

(june 16, 1971 – september 13, 1996)

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peace and blessings / love and light.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

like a proud jewish mama...

ok, he'll probably want to kill me, but my boy roberino popped his burning man cherry this year and my good ole friends at current tv ( gave him a video camera and a license to rock out!

check it:

Pub Crawl on the Playa


Sunday, August 26, 2007

Thursday, August 2, 2007

assalam alaikum (peace be upon you)...

so i have six names (don't ask) and one of them is JIHADa. my mom decided the "a" on the end would make it more feminine. hmmm....

- literally means to "struggle", striving". jihad is an arabic word that means "striving in the way of God." this striving can take a number of forms, including the daily inner struggle to be a better person.

so often misrepresented and misused...what beautiful word.


Monday, July 30, 2007

peak-a-boo...i see you.

i really am humbled by those moments when you really see another. not the surface "real". not the real that we've made our norm. or the real we are around our friends. or our lovers. or our family. or even our selves sometimes. who we are in that place we hide our dirty little secrets and those thoughts we wish we never thought. but rather those moments that, no matter if we've been broken or just moved, we have had to be who we really are. when we have had no choice but to be that vulnerable in anothers presence.

i saw an old friend today. she really was a sight for sore eyes.


Friday, July 27, 2007

damn. mama DOES know best after all...

i love my momma. we don't like each other all the time...but we love the hell out of each other. and even though we don't always acknowledge it, or even know it for that matter, we get each other in that way that no one else does. we're a lot alike she and i. yet not so much at all...

she wrote me the following email this evening and it just reminded me to not get so wrapped up in the emotion...when i can help it. which is probably more often than i think it is. most of the time you will struggle with it and a lot of times you will lose. you're human. but, when you can, when you can sift through all the mush and mess within and find that place where there is quiet and stillness and you are able to clearly hear what the spirit is saying to you...ahhh, that is lovely. that is where you will find your beginnings of peace. that is how you will survive.

peace and blessing / love and light

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Peace Babe, I love you. Be still and quiet. Please study Philippians 4:1-9 then continue w/10-13. Quiet your brain and listen to your spirit...everyone has their own way of grieving and transitioning, respect that. Learn all the lessons this situation has presented. Breathe very deeply and often. Get focused. You are a wonder/spirit/filled young woman. You are purposed to do great things. Don't get so distracted you loose your sight and forget to breathe.

I'm glad you're coming home too. I need to hug you and tight.
Love you Much, Mom

Monday, July 2, 2007

i'll fly away...

thank you so much for taking care of me san francisco...i'm going home.

after 2 years of festival, parades, late night burritos, crack head drum circles in GG park, movie in the park, all night jam sessions, and all other sorts of bay area goodness with you, i'm going home. back to the great state of texas. back to lazy days and warm nights. back to hot summers and no fog.

i've been thinking about it for a while now. going back and forth, not wanting to leave such a great city, not wanting to miss out on all the great cultural aspects of SF, not wanting to just run away from hardship, and always, always, not wanting to leave THE most amazing people i've been honored to call friends.

the last couple months have been kicking my ass! life shit we all go through but a little too much of it at once for this common girl. a lot of of growth and growing up. alot of amazing and beautiful experiences. many immediate lessons i have learned and distant ones i have yet to grasp. i'm just exhausted and tired y'all! i feel like i've lost half of my light in this process and i know some of you have felt in one way or another. i gotta get back good. as my girl allison says, it takes time. so, i'm going to go home to MAKE be still and try to give myself that time. re-energize. remember who the hell i am and where i come from. and most importantly, eat my grandma's bisquits ;-)

this isn't an easy decision and i, in fact, want to take it all back as i type this. my stomach is twisted and i'm afraid. but, i've got to do something differnt and doing what i want hasn't been working out so well of late. i've put it off going back and forth with decisions, but that very fact lets me know i need to be still and breathe and i just can't here. not right now at least.

so many things that i'll say later in a long-winded mass of mush, and also want to do something to bring everyone together before i leave.

i did want to let you know what my estimated time of departure (pending $$...of course) is around August 3rd. so, if you're around and have a free moment between now and then, give me a call. i would love to shower you with hugs and kisses, tell you how much i love you, how amazing you are, how you've made my time here so very special, and how much i'll miss you...

all love always,


ps: don't worry san francisco, you haven't seen the last of me.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

the eternal optimist...

so, i am anything BUT an eternal optimist when it comes to myself. especially of late. it seems that we so very often can clearly see the best in and for the people around us, but have trouble extending ourselves that very same grace. well, here's a chance for you to take a moment and honor and encourage YOURSELF. some may fit you and some may not. i highlighted the ones that spoke loudest to me.
(ps: i know it's dorky, but i like to read affirmations first thing in the morning. great way to start the day!)

The Optimist Creed

I promise myself to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.

I promise myself to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.

I promise myself to make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

I promise myself to look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.

I promise myself to think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

I promise myself to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

I promise myself to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

I promise myself to wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.

I promise myself to give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

I promise myself to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

I promise myself to think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

I promise myself to live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

peace and blessing/love and light.

Monday, May 21, 2007

i find myself asking...

is it possible for a person's soul to age before they do?


Monday, May 14, 2007

lesson number: miss high and mighty...

as hard as i find this to conceive and believe:


see, it's even hard to type.

context: i, being the openly honest person i am, was in a tough situation. so, i chose to go the honest route rather than waiting to see if the situation would figure itself out. after doing so i found out that what i said, probably didn't need to be said because it was already known (although i wasn't aware of that), and my saying it out loud, in the end, really just kinda made it worse.

so now i know, there are some things i just need to keep to myself.

see, it's STILL hard to type.

but, lesson learned.


Thursday, March 29, 2007

sorry i'm a champion...

LOVING this song. it's pretty fuckin' amazing. mad respect to Jay-Z. i finally get it...


(p.s. lyrics below)

"Lost One"
(feat. Chrisette Michele)

Uh, uh, uh, uh
It's not a dis song, it's just a real song
Feel me?

I heard motherfuckers saying they made Hov
Made Hov say, "OK so, make another Hov"
Niggaz wasn't playing they day role
So we parted ways like Ben and J-Lo
I shoulda been did it but I been in a daze though
I put friends over business end of the day though
But when friends, business interests as they go
Ain't nothing left to say though
I guess we forgot what we came fo'
Shoulda stayed in food and beverage
Too much flossing
Too much Sam Rothstein
I ain't a bitch but I gotta divorce them
Hov have to get the shallow shit up off him
And I ain't even want to be famous
Niggaz is brainless to unnecessarily go through these changes
And I ain't even know how it came to this
Except that fame is
The worst drug known to man
It's stronger than, heroin
When you could look in the mirror like, "There I am"
And still not see, what you've become
I know I'm guilty of it too but, not like them
You lost one

[Chorus w/ Marsha (Jay-Z)]
Lose one, let go to get one
Left one, lose some to win some (You lost one)
Story of a champion, sorry I'm a champion
You lost one

I don't think it's meant to be, be
But she loves her work more than she does me
And honestly, at twenty-three
I would probably love my work more than I did she
So B, ain't we
It's me, and her
'Cause what she prefers over me, is work
And that's, where we, differ
So I have to give her
Free, time, even if it hurts
So breathe, mami, it's deserved
You've been put on this earth to be
All you can be, like the reserves
And me? My time in the army, it's served
So I have to allow she, her, time to serve
The time's now for her
In time she'll mature
And maybe we, can be, we, again like we were
Finally, my time's too short to share
And to ask her now, it ain't fair
So yeah, she lost one

Lose one, let go to get one
Left one, lose some to win some (Oh yeah, she lost one)
Story of a champion, sorry I'm a champion
You lost one

My nephew died in the car I bought
So I'm under the belief it's partly my fault
Close my eyes and squeeze, try to block that thought
Place any burden on me, but please, not that lord
Time don't go back, it go forward
Can't run from the pain, go towards it
Some things can't be explained, what caused it?
Such a beautiful soul, so pure, shit
Gonna see you again, I'm sure of it
'til that time, little man I'm nauseous
Your girlfriend's pregnant, the lord's gift
Almost lost my faith, that restored it
It's like having your life restarted
Can't wait for your child's life, to be a part of it
So now I'm child-like, waiting for a gift
To return, when I lost you, I lost it

Lose one, let go to get one
Left one, lose some to win some (Colleek, I lost one)
Sorry I'm a champion, Colleek, you're a champion
You lost one

Sunday, March 18, 2007

fiddler on the roof...

ok, i sometimes hate to explain things because i actually love how we all generate our own thoughts/beliefs/meanings from the same information. but because i do know our minds all go to different places and interpret differently when we receive certain information, i want to say that when you read the following, don't hesitate or blow it off because of where it's from of what it says. but instead, be in the spirit of what it says/means to YOU. because in the end, that's the most important.

"when I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
-1 Corinthians 13:11

the lessons are everywhere, the question is, are you ready to learn? because all you truly have to do to be open to them.

peace and blessings / love and light

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

one of those boring update blogs...

wow. it's been a while. i've had lots to say (of course) but not alot of free time to say it. or internet access for that matter ;-) let's see, top 5 things going on with me (in no particular order)...

1) JOB: i started a new, NEW job at the
presidio hill school. my official title is "volunteer, alumni and event coordinator", and although i have absolutely no idea what i'm's great! i sit next to the kindergarten classes so there's lots of little 2-3 foot elves and trolls running around, to and from the bathroom, falling over untied shoes strings, and eating sunflower seed and jelly sandwiches. yeah, sunflower seed and jelly. i have recently found out that ONE child, can change the earting habits of an ENTIRE school. craziness.

And then there's this thing I just head about called,
white privilege conference. Ok, the what? First of all, those words together immediately red flag sketchiness in my brain. I was thinking some huge underground KKK rally. So as to my understanding, some black folks got tired of white folks coming to the diversity conferences and asking all these questions so they made them their own conference sot hat could talk and figure it out themselves? I don't know. I think it's dangerous to try to figure out "your privilege" with no context to the people it affects. And what are you going to DO with that knowledge? Because sitting around and talking about it is great, but if done for too long with no action, it's a reciprocal cycle of nothingness. any case, check out the link.

2) LOVE: life in love is amazing. not always roses and butterflies stomachs like the movies say, but oh so amazing. im learning just how selfish i've been allowed to be late and how that can cripple you later in life. thank GOD there's someone who's crazy enough to love me right now, as i am, and willing to work though all my shit with me.

thanks babe.

3) LIFE: been chillin' alot lately. trying to hit the gym on some kind of schedule so that i feel better about me all around. why is being healthy so damn hard? i mean really. i think that if people WANT to be healthy, it should be just a bit easier for them. don't you? i jumped from 140 to 160 in the past 5 months! yikes! i've decided, for me at least, it was way easier to be skinny when i was single and kinda sad. nothing to do but go to work and to the gym. not so easy when i'm happy and in love. damn boyfriends ;-)

4) SOCIAL: i'm going sky diving on saturday in
monterey bay!!!!! yeah. it's been in the making for a while now and i FINALLY got all my ducks to get off thier ass and get in a row...soooo i booked it!

my nemesis...burning man. For the last 2 years I've bee trying to go but have not had the money. Now I do ($300) and I'm hesitant. I guess I know that there's still like $500 worth of stuff to buy to survive for a week in the desert. $800 is a LOT of money I don't really have. But then I think, this is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME experience. People that burn, never forget it. It can be life changing. Here, check out what I mean:
all things burning man

5) HOME: recently went home for my uncles funeral. although it was very sad, it wasn't unexpected. he's abused his body with all sorts of shit for over 30 years. it guess his body said "fuck it, i'm done." so it wasn't a total shocker but it came at a bad time. my grandpa was scheduled to have major surgery the next day. so here me mom, tera and grandma are all preparing for daddy's surgery, and then kenny dies. damn. so it was an emotionally draining week. i wasn't able to see anyone which was saddening since I've been home 2x in the last 2 years. But, it just wasn't that sort of trip.

Everyone is getting back to normalcy now. Daddy seems really good. Mom is trying to get motivated, grandma is still makin' homemade jelly and calling us all by each other's names, and tera and the girls are going through and learnin' life shit.

and that's about it. once i figure out how to resize photo's in iphoto or on a MAC, i'll post em. hope that you all are well and feeling the universe's blessing with ever step...

peace and blessing, love and light.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

question number 513...

compromise: an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc.,

having been an uncompromisingly independent person all of your life, purposefully and determinedly holding your ground in that regard and never do you compromise (for the better), for those you love, without feeling like you've given up a small piece of you independence? without feeling like your spirit has been defeated in some way? without feeling broken, just a bit?

i am rebelliously embracing the fact that my decisions no longer only affect me, but they affect those around me, and closest to me, as well; and i sometimes have to act/move forward/make decisions, with that in mind.

you don't know how difficult that is to me. a hard lesson for such a stubborn taurean woman.

but i DO get it.


PS: a good friend wrote me the following and it resonated (this person is one of those "salt of the earth" types to me. he's good people.): perspective is just mine tho. but... being an independent person means to me that you make decisions for your life based on what is important to you personally. when that means embracing and bringing another person into your life that means a lot to you, your decision to reach a compromise out of love for the other person and respect for them as people is an independent thought. therefore, i don't see it as a concession or sacrifice on your part because it adds to the quality of YOUR life. it is just as easy for you to is important to me is me and you are along for the ride....and that is another independent decision but a disrespectful one to yourself and the person you care about. it isn't sacrifice if it makes your life better.


Monday, January 1, 2007

another revolution around the sun...

as i look back on this past year , i must stop to thank God for all the grace bestowed upon me, all the love given and felt deep in my heart, and all the blessings i have received.

as i move forward into this new year, i am in prayer that i will continue to grow and learn, continue to love as i am loved, and remember to be humble and ever thankful for all the things in my life, because they are truly undeserved blessings.