Tuesday, May 5, 2009
karma is simply that we will continue to repeat the lessons, until we learn them. so, it's much like the idea of what goes around comes around, but not quite.
deep example for those of you who need it: one of my lessons is detachment. i detach and lose all sense of feeling and emotion when things get uncomfortably and highly intense. most people think i'm really calm, but i'm often just void. something i learned and has been ingrained in me from a very young age which at that point, protected me time and time again. but it has now become second nature. i don't even know i'm detached most times. and that is neither helpful nor productive. so my lesson is ever how to be present in the midst of personal turmoil. how to live in the uncomfortable as i do in the comfort.
so, i keep coming back to these moments, in many different forms/situations/experiences/people, some more intense than others, but always with same underlying theme. when something hits, i go tend to go void, thus saying and doing outwardly from a void place inwardly. and it's not like 'm always making bad or wrong decisions, which is why i often miss the connection. but, once the smoke clears and things have been set into motion, i think, why did this/that happen? why wasn't it like this/that? did i do something wrong?
side note: bad/intense/frustrating things don't just stop happening. your life isn't going to just change. shit happens, that's just life. sorry to break it to ya. what does happen, and this is where the real beauty resides, is that when we finally get the lesson, We change.
for me, through that understanding, i can then move through my life with a little more peace, a handle my intensities with a little more grace. i can't wait...
basic example for those of you who need it: let's take your average asshole. if you're always an asshole, they the universe will continue to bring you in situations where it triggers your assholeness until you learn to stop being an asshole. capish.
back to deepness: sooooo, not necessarily what goes around comes around, but more what goes around keeps going around and around and around...until you stop it. once you learn that lesson, you step out of that viscous karmic cycle (that could have been following you for many many moons and many many lives) and move to a new level of consciousness and understanding. bettering and bettering your spirit self. ever forward...
sooooo, i challenge you to think about your karma, what lessons you find that you keep repeating. how can you break the cycle?
peace and blessings / love and light
Sunday, March 22, 2009
as a producer, when she says she's rented some interesting documentaries, i say yes. and this little trip proved me OH so correct. so here are two docs i highly recommend you see:
1) the jimi hendrix experience: oh my goodness. this is pretty much a taping of a concert in monterey, ca. the doc opens with a random man who seems to be totally lit up on something creating this Amazing mural of jimi on a random street ally wall. it them eases into the concert.
words cannot explain the geniousness of his performance. therefore i won't even try.
get it. got it? good.
2) manda bala (send a bullet): first of all, this film has been banned from brazil. that should tell you something.
manda bala is a new documentary about corruption in brazil. going beyond brazil’s sun-drenched beaches this documentary explores the connections between government corruption and the kidnapping industry in sao paolo. through stunning imagery the doc weaves the interviews of kidnap victims, kidnappers, frog farmers, plastic surgeons (dude made a kidnapping victim a new ear from the cartilage from her rib. and they show it son!), police, and even the corrupt politician jader barbalho. barbalho was accused of siphoning millions of dollars for his own use from Sudam, a development program to help the poor in brazil’s amazon region, into a complex portrait of crime in sao paolo. mandala bala was recently named best documentary in sundance.
this film has a sick, SICK soundtrack as well. amazing brazillian beats from artists like tom zé and jorge ben.
aaaaaaaaaaaaand, it's almost monday. oh, monday...
Friday, March 20, 2009
i talked to euna right before she left. she was nervous but excited. she has always longed to work on pieces that moved her. that stirred something in her. that were of substance. i didn't know just how dangerous her trip would be.
ruthie and i have been texting and talking our fears. there are so many. the horrible visions/thoughts of what could be happening. what she must be feeling. how she's holding up. and all infused with, honestly, fragile strands of faith...
i got an email from michael. man, i'm going out of my mind here with worry for euna, but i can't imagine what it's like for him. sitting in their house in LA with hana. i wonder if hana even knows what's going on...
feeling quite helpless. no one seems to know anything. even the papers keep saying they're "trying to figure out what happened and where they are."
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
ok, so it's about that time. it’s been about two years since my last ten+ day fast/cleanse. yeah, slackin’. but, it’s never too late. this time round i'm doing ten days. fasting for one) mental clarity and discipline and two) clean out from my horribly poor eating habits (I’m a HUGE binge snacker. like huge.) it's good to just clean your ish out and refresh, ya know. and from that, you gain so much clarity. for real.
different people use different cleanses/fasts. i do the master cleanse:
(this is the PDF of the original book, if you're interested in looking at it. it's about 30 pgs long.)
it's always good to journal these things to see your progress, to come back to later or even the next time, ect. some days i might write more, others less. depends on how i'm feelin'. so, here we go...
first, here's the daily process:
on an empty stomach, and before i drink any of the lemonade, i drink a sea/salt water flush. this is by far the most horrible thing i've ever done. i always gag. i mean, warm salt water? come on. bleh. but, if done correctly, about 10-30 min later, you'll literally "flush" everything out of you and your intestines that the laxative tea and the lemonade mix loosened the night before. oh, and when i say 10-30 min, that means you need to do it at LEAST an hour before you have to go ANYWHERE. yes, the all caps was needed. once it hits, you have no choice but to get to the bathroom asap or embarrass yourself. i've heard so many stories of people drinking it on the way out the door and then driving to work and on the way, while in the car, losing their shit. literally! oh, and if you don't get your measurements right it won't flush through your system. you ever walk around with a quart of warm salt water in your stomach? i don't recommend it.
The sea/salt water flush consists of:
- 2 teaspoons uniodized sea salt (can vary from person to person)
- 32 oz. (4 cups) purified water
i drink the lemonade mix throughout the day and supplement it with as much water as i think i need.
a serving of lemonade consists of:
- 2 tablespoons freshly-squeezed juice from a lemon or lime
- 2 tablespoons grade b organic maple syrup (whole foods/trader joes)
- 1/10 of teaspoon cayenne pepper (more or less depending on your tolerance)
- 8 oz. of purified water (cool or warm)
i make mine all at once for the day. the following measurements are for 8 cups/servings total:
- 1 cup freshly-squeezed juice from a lemon or lime
- 1 cup grade b organic maple syrup (whole foods/trader joes)
- 1 teaspoon of teaspoon cayenne pepper (more or less depending on your tolerance)
- 64 oz. of purified water (cool or warm)
before bed, and after i’ve had enough of the lemonade, i have
a cup of laxative tea (smooth move). this breaks up more of the ish the lemonade mix has been breaking down while you sleep.
ok, so that's the process. everyday. for the next ten days...
day one (monday):
woke up super tired. maybe i'm anticipating the not eating, too much. one day at a time. when i took the first drink my body was like, oh, i remember what this means. ha. not looking forward to the salt water flush tomorrow morning AT all. eww. my jaw has been a bit clenched from wanting to chew and i almost chewed a piece of gum just outta habit. i am always just Waiting for it to be evening so i can just go to bed and not think about the not eating. and definitely not trying to go out! went to kickboxing. bad idea while fasting. super dizzy and tired. you're actually to suppose to do any hard workouts but i think i'm a glutton for pain. i recommend doing yoga. not only is it easy on the body, but it will further help to move all that ish around in you you're trying to get out. and, it's yoga :-) after kickboxing, i drank the tea and passed out.
day two (tuesday):
pretty good day. the evening has proven to be the hardest. at work, i'm busy so i don't think about it as much, but in those silent moments. oh. i've learned over time (i've done this fast four times now) that if i just go to bed, i don't have to worry about it. so i tend to go to sleep as soon as i get home :-) definitely smoked three cigs but i've decided that that i can't be so hard on myself. three is less than the eight i was smoking two days ago. went to teach my girls and made them chicken sandwiches with the most juiciest strawberries and bananas on the side. oh, so brutal. after girls group i went to yoga. so much better than kickboxing. i left feeling centered and strong. physically and mentally. got home late. drank tea. passed out. today and tomorrow are usually my "hump" days (the hardest!), so i'm extra focused.
day three (wednesday):
was a really hard day as i was expecting. maybe my expectation made it hard? i dunno. from experience, day three, four and sometimes five are THE hardest. like, nerve wrecking, dilusionoidal, irritatingly hard.
did the flush in the morning and was amazed at what came out (sorry to be graphic, but it's the point of fasting/cleansing!). i mean really, that was just sitting in me all this time?!? eeew, gross. oh so glad to be done with it. later in the eve i hooked up with my ladies and that was BRUTAL (let me preface by saying it was not their fault at all.)
first came the amazing salad. gewelz is a master salad maker. a connoisseur of sorts. she made. they ate. i watched. then came, the phở. ooooooooh, the phở. straight vietnamese goodness. so, while watching awesome sex and the city re-runs, i had to pull every bit of will power i had in me, while honestly wonderin' if i could just sneak something because no one would know but me, while they ate the yummiest smelling phở to ever hit my nose. all i can say is thank goodness it was evening. i'm known for falling asleep after 9pm, and that's exactly what i did. i'm telling you. sleep is your friend when you're fasting. forgot to take the tea, but that's ok.
on a side note: i've been sleeping a lot better, and all through the night (i usually wake up every hour or so), since i've been fasting. SO very thankful for that!
side note # two: i have most definitely been plotting and planning my first meals. they will be GLOOOOOORIOUS. hahahahaha...
three down, seven to go. rock-n-roll.
day four (thursday):
yep, it's most definitely getting easier. flush went went well in the morning. went to work and felt good all day. energy up. spirits up. no mishaps or even really hard moments today. see, after that third and fourth day, it really does get better! looking forward to tomorrow. jerry (kinda work with him) said something so on point. he's done this before as well. he said, after the initial hump, it gets better because then, you get to choose...
day five (friday):
good day. pretty easy breezy. noticing the tea + flush combo is too hard on my stomach. gonna exclude one. went to yoga and had a great practice. way better for your body while fasting than working out. yep, gettin' easier and easier...
day six (saturday):
woke up with the same bit of stomach ache i had yesterday. didn't drink tea or flush. warm liquid burning feeling kinda of gushing through me throughout the morning. i've felt this before. realized two things (i won't gore you with how i know. let's just say, your body will tell you when it's time/you're done). one) i'm all squeaky clean! oh yeah!! two) because of that, my intestinal walls is starting to get irritated because there's nothing else in there to flush but the flesh. and that's why i was feeling liquid burning sensations in my stomach.
sooooo, i decided to go ahead and come off my fast today. it's been a great six days and i wish i could go to ten, but i don't want to overdue it. i'm good for pushing through pain and usually i just end up with way more problems down the road because i don't take care of my Self until i Have to. i've been better at listening to what my body is telling me. you'll be surprised, but it's pretty darn smart!
i decided to eat some soup. i had some beet and cabbage and also a chicken broth-like soup with veggies. not the best thing to come off with, but i've fasted enough times, trying this and that, to know what i can and cannot do.
the first food you eat is always an Amazing sensation. because you're so clean inside, you can literally feel the food trickling down your stomach. pretty crazy-cool things. i got full pretty quickly and am feeling alright. also, your senses are heightened so everything actually tastes more distinctive. flavors are richer. smells are more luscious. mmmmmmm...