Sunday, June 26, 2005

full circle...

When you adopt the viewpoint that all that exists within your circle of life is nothing but another part of you; when you come to the conclusion that there is no one who exists, who is not a part of you; you will wisely extend to yourself an unconditional love that will be...


i spent this weekend re-connecting with an old refreshing.

this morning i was reflecting on the people in my life, old and new. it's funny. i have this insane need to express my feelings to people in the moment i am feeling them. why? because i never want anyone in my life to ever wonder. if i were to die tomorrow, those close to me would know that i loved them, and that's important to me. so, for people who are just starting to build relationships with me and getting to know me, they can be overwhelmed and sometimes a little uneasy with the "i love you" or the "you're awesome and i wanted to let you know that".

i draw 90% my energy from being connected with these i share spirit/energy with. when i don't get to interact with these energies for a while, i feel disconnected, drained and alone. usually this break in connection is my fault. being the taurus that i am, i can be super self-absorbed and oblivious to anything besides what's in my momentary view. i neglect this person because i am hanging with that person. i don't like that. it's not really the quality of a good friend. it does, however, re-affirm how amazing my friends are because they love me even with those nasty qualities that i possess. so, i need to get to work. which for me means writing letters, emails and leaving phone messages; and in most of those cases, just saying "i love you...".

i feel better. my universe is balanced out because the people that i love know how much they feed my well-being. how much they are apart of my survival. how much i love them.

i am at peace.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

10 years from now...

i got an email from k-dawg today and I realized I miss working orientation/ mcm 101/ c.a.b/sociology club/rec center! i feel like if I had to teach a class, lead a group or give a speech, i wouldn't know what to do. that's how long it's been. i hate it! i like my job, but I miss working with people on a hands-on, day to day, basis. i miss the interaction. i miss feeling like what I do, what I say and who I am will make a difference, even if a small one, in someone's life. because really, what else is the point, if not to better the world in some way. the two most important things in life (to me):

1) finding/giving/sharing/seeing/feeling/having...LOVE!

2) whatever form it takes...a person, yourself, the world, your community, ect.

i feel very monotonous right now. but, it pays the bills, the people are awesome, and i get to wear what i want (that last one is the most important...really.) life is good. i could complain about trivial thing (i really need to get my own place, my car is broken...again, I am always broke, ect) but in the big scheme of things, I have a job, a place to live and food to eati'm ok.

i miss my family. our reunion is this weekend and Im the only one not there. its selfish, but I dont think they should have fun without me...nope.

still single in the sex, just single. i sometimes feel very high schoolish. those of you who know me, know that I am super retarded when it comes to the opposite sex. i just have no experience with any of this so I have these adult feeling and wants and curiosities, but their encased in this feeling of being a 15 year-old who hasnt gone on her first date yet.

is there any help for me?!?!? hehe...

ok, its back to work. i love you all so much and miss you!


Wednesday, June 1, 2005

new wave...

new wave little piece of heaven on earth. the opening of new wave signifies the start of summer in least for me. my favorite flavor is georgia peach. it's a peach snow-cone with strawberry through the center a little hint of tart for the tang. mmmmm...gooood.

as it, very slowly, warms up here in northern california...i find myself restless. how will i know when summer is here? are balls of ice filled with sugary yumminess a southern thing? where have all the snow-cones gone?

i am so used to the texas heat (dry and blatant) that i feel a little awkward still having to wearing a jacket in june. is summer around the corner? it's like...wait for it, wait for it...ok, go go go! the heat here is different. there's more wind in the air. that's a change. i remember being in west texas driving the corona, that has no air or tinted windows. it was like a moving sauna and the only wind you got was when you stuck your head out of the window while driving....those were the days.

i've been to the beach quite a few times lately and it's facinating to me. it's still cool (around 70), but people still go in the ocean. why? the water is super chilly! mom would say "don't go in there, you'll catch a cold!" but yet there they are...all these cool californians catching waves. interesting...

so, ode to summer! i guess i will have to just wait it out. you're coming...right? i haven't missed you have i?