Tuesday, September 26, 2006


it's midnight and i want oh so badly to go to sleep. but i can't. have to pick up a friend from the airport at 1AM. therefore...i myspace. evil, evil addictive myspace. what have you done to me?!?!?!

but i digress...

i had my chart read earlier this eve. yep. i get my cards read once a month. aside from all the hocus pocus i know that we are definitely affected by the movements of the universe. and if you can find someone you connect with that can truly see "you", then hey, i'm down for the journey...

anyhoo, after getting my cards read, gina loaned me a book on - the taurus.

yeah, i'm a taurus. most notably known for our extreme stubbornness and being creatures of habit.

so, i flipped through and skimmed a bit. haven't really dug into yet but the first paragraph was pretty interesting. so of course...i share:


"taurus woman is the zodiac's barefoot contessa, a sort of tribal princess who embodies the combined spirit of regal immunity and pastoral naïveté. in every aspect, she is a "living doll"--an infinitely fun-loving character who approaches life with an unspoilt, childlike vision and in so doing, she freely spreads joy. taurus feels it her purpose to create a little bit of heaven here on earth, on one level procuring, and indulging in, as much epicurean delight as she might; while, on another, living as if it were a sacred right to do so. professionally, she tends to pursue careers that perpetuate her carefree sensibility, providing her a sense of play while offering amusement to others. though she is a materialist of the first order, she espouses simple luxuries, viewing wealth as a natural birthright, often dedicating herself to the needy, and particularly to children. her guileless glee and secure sense of self make others feel as if they're in the presence of a favorite baby-sitter. in truth, no other woman enjoys being a girl more than this eternal nymphet, the whole of whose existence is an exploration of the feminine experience--from trial to exaltation. her greatest goal in life is to be worthy of having lived it. as such, taurus seeks to surround herself with "quality" people: in a man she demands the full package--looks, personality, sense of humor, roguish charm, sexual ability, a boyish spirit, and a bankroll that could choke a bull--expecting to be cherished unerringly and in the extreme. her female friendships are an all-out celebration of womanhood, an often earthy-crunchy affair marked by mutual nurturing and a shared journey of self-discovery."

wow. really?

now, zodiacal interpretations are not necessarily a dead on descriptor. some things may even be completely off. but, there are definitely little bits and pieces of me in there somewhere...

what about you? what's your sign? are there any resemblances?


Friday, September 22, 2006

have yourself a merry little weekend...

just wanted to wish you all a wonderfilled weekend! i know mine is going to be gloriously crazy, and i'm looking forward to every minute. lost of things to do, people to see and debaucherous moments to be had :-) i was bored, it was 3AM, and i couldn't sleep, so i filled out the following survey. please don't judge me to harshly now...


peace and blessing. love and light.

1. LA or New York?
eh...not really excited about either. but i do love how you can live in NY your whole life and never see everything it has to offer...

2. Red or White wine?

3. What's something a member of the gender you prefer can wear to turn you on?
A genuine smile

4. What's something a member of the gender you prefer can wear to turn you off?
cologne. it's really annoying.

5. Who was the last person you kissed?
Hmmm...do drunken friend kisses count?

6. Favorite cuss word?
Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!!!! Its so universal.

7. Favorite non-alcoholic drink?
Coffee. Yes please.

8. Blondes or Brunettes?
whatevers natural

9. What's something you always have on you?
flip flops!!

10. Do you stay awake in bed thinking or do you fall asleep in 5 seconds?
Endless mind chatter...

11. What celebrity would you like to fight the most?
I dont fight. But I would tell beyonce a few things about herself. woman to woman.

12. What's the last thing that made you cry or got you teary eyed?
Pacs d-day...my little bro called me. hes such a beautiful soul.

13. What's your favorite holiday?
Christmas! We didnt celebrate it in my house so I would go visit with friends. I love to watch all those small family traditions that are unique to each family.

14. What are you listening to right now?
Rachid Taha some good French/Algerian shit.

15. Are your parents still together?
Never were. mom's has been married to my dad (actally step-dad) all my life until 5 years ago. Theyre best friends and soul mates.

16. If you inherited $20 million, what are the first 5 things you'd do with the money?
1) Send my grandparents to Africa and set them up with a place they never have to worry about
2) set up a trust for my nieces
3) get my moms center up and running
4) pay off my debt
5) move to some island and send my best buds plane tickets to come and kick it with me yo!!!

17. What was the best year of your life?
the present one

18. Why?
i'm still here and handling on my own. i've met some of the most amazing people and had some of the most amazing experiences. it's been good...

19. Have you ever flown first class?
Yep. Beware it will make every other economy flying experience sub-par

20. Who was your first kiss? like a real kiss?
Haha. Sadly I dont remember. I was 21 and drunk.

21. What are you SUPPOSED to be doing right now?
Working. but i'm so happy it's friday and sunny outside so i'm procrastinating. but only a little bit.

24. Pro Life or Pro Choice?
Pro-choice with life in mind (not down for ppl who use it for birth control)

25. Favorite physical features on the opposite sex?
mouth, eyes, hair

27. How old are you today?

28. Who do you have a crush on that doesn't know yet?
nah. for the most part i prefer to get it out in the open. Why the hell not? I suck at crushes though. the only times in my life where i'm socially awkward and insecure.

29. Best movie you've seen this year?
When the levees broke by spike lee. good shit. watch it. now!

32. Ever been in love?
every moment i get the chance...

33. Who makes you laugh the most?
Oh...everyone! I love to laugh!

35. What was the last CD you bought?
Ratatat. Their song Lapland changed my life the first time I heard it.

36. South Park or Simpson's?
oh my god...THEY KILLED KENNY!

37. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner?
breakfast for dinner

38. When was the last time you talked to your mom?
This morning. Our daily argument. Today I won!!!!!!

39. Have you ever written a song?

40. Can two people be "just friends"?
Fa sho.

43. American, Cheddar, or Swiss cheese?

44. What was the best thing about high school?
Carefree. Minimal responsibilities. Good friends. Sports. Band nerdidom (i just made that word up...work with me!).

46. Are you sleepy?
Nah. I had a great 6AM workout that gave me lots-o-energy and Im one of those annoying the hills are alive with the sound of music! morning people. Its gross. I know.

47. When was the last time you were drunk?
Um...last night. Definitely.

48. What do you want on your tombstone?
She had a lot of love to give.

49. Your name spelled backwards?

50. Where were your parents born?
Moms was born in the great state-o-texas!

51. What is the last thing you downloaded on your computer?

52. What's your favorite restaurant?
Ojedos in south dallas. Tex-mex is the ONLY mexican food worth eating!

53. What's one thing most people don't know about you?
Um...i dunno. Im way to open. Like now. I totally just farted at my desk. Sorry Dennis :-)

54. Are you in love?

55. What type of music you dislike most?
I love EVERYTHING!! Bring it.

57. Do you have a car?
Yeah...my honda. But Im a Chevy girl and I do miss the 7Z1. It was dreamy...

58. One thing you want right now?

59. Ever prank call anybody?
Oh yeah

60. If you could be a famous person for a day who would you be?
Um...john malcovich. I want to know what goes on in that mind of his. Oh wait...there was a whole movie about it. A good one too. Damn...

61. Would you go bungee jumping or skydiving?
Been bungee jumping...going sky diving next month hopefully

62. Where do you want to be in 5 years????

63. Will u repost this??
Sure...why not.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

that's the golden time of day...

ahhh...indian summer in san francisco. it's been beautiful and bright! i was beginning to wonder if we would ever get a glimpse of the summer sun around here. i was at a bikram yoga class (yoga in 105-110 degrees) recently and while everyone else was dying, i was in heated heaven. thats an average summers day in texas, and oh how i do miss those sunny sunday afternoons. sittin on the front porch drinking some sweet tea my momma made and listening to frankie beverly & maze. chin watching music videos. the girls covered in dirt. tera perming her hair. daddy playin dominos and droppin old school knowledge with some of the youngsters from down the street. and as always, mom and grandma knee deep in garden glory. "...thats the golden time of day".

the sun definitely re-energizes the spirit. YEAH!!

looking forward to the sf lovefest this weekend! a festival for love? im down! pink tutu's, black corset's and loads of electronic djs...here i come! not that i need a reason to love on people :-)

ending my time here in the office. my last day at current tv is next friday. although im looking forward to the freedom, its very bitter sweet. its been my dysfunctional family for the past 2 years and im really gonna miss these peeps...

how are you?!?!?!?!?!


Monday, September 18, 2006

girl, put your records on...

i love old school music. i love new music as well, but this blog is my love ballot to the classics...

ps: when re-reading i found this to not be as free flowing as i hoped. so, sorry if it's a rigid read.

i was hanging with friends one night and i ended up being the DJ. now i knew right off this would be oh so painful. i listen to everything and very sporadically. like, i can put on some al green and then play metallica and top it all off with a bit of antonio carlos jobim followed by some postal service. that's the way my mind works. but not everyone is like this. so me being DJ can be brutal.

i tried oh so hard all night to find that song that would link everyone but i never did. i thought it might be bebel gilberto. then i tried bob marley, and he was the closest, but not quit. i remember thinking, i have so much more respect for DJ's right now. it was painful for me. seeing some people love it and some people waiting for it to be over. i know that you can't always be on the same page, but it's what i strive for. to create harmony around me.

i never found that song.

but i did figure out that the beauty of music is that it speaks to us all in different ways. i'm beginning to love how a song/music can change your life and mean absolutely nothing to someone else.

for me music free's my mind. not words because i have a hard time getting into someone else's words that aren't mine. but the actual music. tones, notes, arpeggios, harmonies, bass, sound waves, ect. words are restrictive, only allowing you to express and feel so much. music picks up where words leave off leading you into the outer most realms and sometimes beyond.

have you ever heard a song that so good you wanted to be inside of it. weird i know but that's the affect that it can have on me. wanting to literally be a part of it. now that's a good song...

i was thinking about the greats in my life. bob marley, nina simone, van morrison, tupac, ect. there are more be these are the ones that have been with me for a while. now already some of you are like, "eh, he/she's ok". but i love that. see, to me these artists were able to truly change me. and every artist is different and comes from a different place. it's so much more than me "liking" your song. it's making me connect with it.

take bob marley. although i don't connect completely with his lyrics, i feel them. he literally brings me into his world and i am changed everytime. i am a slave on the pirate ship (redemption song), i am leading my people to freedom (exodus), everything WILL be alright (three little birds), i am a buffalo soldier, dreadlocked rasta (buffalo soldier).

with someone like a nina simone, she goes straight for the soul. past the heart and skip the spirit and right to the enter of your being. i don't know how but that voice of hers carries every emotion she's ever felt. yet she so in control of it.

so different from a beyonce or a christina who have phenomenal voices, but are just that. voices. i once thought mariah carey would be able to graze that level of feeling. old school mariah with songs like can't let go and vanishing and i don't want to cry. she had that potential to me at one time. not capture it, but a good modern day translator of sorts. not anymore. now shes just another voice to me. a good one no doubt. but her music has become background noise. and i dont mean that negatively. she has become who she was meant to be.

and why is this. why is it so hard to find modern artists who know how to make you feel? there are definitely great artist out there, but they are becoming more hard to find amongst the chatter. and i love the chatter too. i am a not-so-secret pop junkie at times and an acoustic slut always. it has its place in my life as well. you need the balance. but theres really no comparison.

generations of music lost to remembrance.

in a lot of ways, it seems to me that artists have in some ways replaced feeling with words. all these song with complicated, deep, verbally beautiful lyrics but thats it. the beauty of these old school artists is that a sam cooke can make you feel like youre on that dock in the bay and thats all he said. sitting in on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away simple. etta james said i would rather go blind, than to see you walk away from me and im there feelin the same way with my heart on the verge of broken. again, simple yet powerful.

tupac had that ability more in his early years for me. the 2pacalypse album just spoke to me. and not because he was my brother. but because of the very raw and unconditioned way put his heart into those songs. he was an a great storyteller. telling the stories of his life. and in a way that was humbling. he was very unfashioned and all over the place but thats why it worked. he wasnt tainted yet. It was more free in a lot of ways. when he was rapping he was telling you all the secret things he might tell his therapist. reliving it of sorts. but unlike bob where i felt i was there, pac wanted you to listen. he wanted you to see.

so yeah. wow. that was a long blog about music. i am listening to the song on my homepage repeatedly today. i love it! nothing life changing; its just one of those feel goods that takes me to an island where im drinking milk from a coconut on the beach and doing mischievous things.

ahhh back to work. sorry that was such an abrupt ending. it bes that way sometimes.

what about you? any songs that mean more than most?

would love for you to suggest some songs i should listen too. always down to hear new music.

song you MUST hear:
(I had to limit myself to 5 artists)
rather go blind (etta james)
sunday kinda love (etta james)
feelin' good (nina simone)
sinnerman (nina simone)
i'll be seeing you (billie holiday)
can't take that away from me (billie holiday)
babylon system (bob marley)
no woman no cry (bob marley)
ill be your lover too (van morrison)
sweet thing (van morrison)

i bare my windowed self...

ok, not in my defense, because i am me, but for your understanding, i spend about 98% of my time in my head. literally. its tiresome and i often wish i could not think and analyze so much, but i don't know how to stop it and denial is just not possible. i sometimes dig in and go deep instantaneously and can be intense and i know it's alot and it's all over the place. that's cool. i explain things in a way that can make you uncomfortable at times and in other moments it's like a warm blanket of understanding. sometimes i'm right on and others i'm completely off. sometimes it makes sense, and sometimes it doesn't at all. i don't know why this is, but i do know that if i don't let it be what it is and do what im moved to do, which is share...it will drive me crazy.

so, if you read something i've written and you're like "she's crazy". you're right. i am. to someone else and at another time i may be a teacher or sorts. and that's right too.

sometimes its not for you. sometimes it is and you just don't know it yet. and every once in a while...we connect.


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

still i rise...

Today the 10 year anniversary of my brothers death. As cliché as it sounds, it seems like yesterday he was making fun of my Texas accent. He loved to do that :-)

Did you know that Pac LOVED pomegranates?

Did you know that one of his favorite songs of ALL time was Redemption Song by Bob Marley?

Pac was 9 when I was born. He was so excited that he wrote poetry for my naming ceremony. When I was around, he loved to tell people how I was glued to his hip for that first year. Apparently when I started crawling, I would get up every morning, take off my diaper and sit right on his head. As if thats what youre suppose to do in the morning. Like brushing your teeth.

This is the Pac I know.

I dont know the intimate details of his rap career, or the details of his crazy legal situations. I just know my big brother. We didnt grow up in the same house, nor do we share the same mother, but he is my brother. Make no mistake about that. And dont you dare question it.

Our little brother Chinua has Down Syndrome. Just in case you dont know, that makes him extra special. Extra connected to people on the inside. Although they didnt see each other often, when they did, they always laughed. That deep throaty laugh that comes from a place of pure joy. It is a special connection that is theirs only. Right after Pac died, and to this day, Chin will sometimes wake up in the morning and say Pac is funny!.

They speak even now.

Sharing these random facts/ thoughts/insights about my brother makes my heart smile. There is so much love for him all over this universe. His music has touched so many people and in so many different ways. I always thought that fame was such an ugly repercussion of who he was. He was really just telling the things of his life. His art was a lot like his therapy. Our family history is by no means normal. His reality was the FBI breaking into his house looking for our dad. His reality was wrapping his baby sister in a bullet proof vest she wouldnt get hit by stray bullets. His reality was chaos. Pac had a lot to be angry about and he could have been that crazy muthatfucker and go out do some crazy shit, but he decided to channel all (well most) of that energy into his music. And thats what he did. People wonder how my step-mom is still able to put out records. Well, hes been writing since he was at least 9 years old, and where most artists might go to the studio and lay down 2 or 3 tracks in a night, Pac would go in and lay down 6 or 7. He lived at the studio. He was non-stop. Again, his way of dealing with all the things of his past and present. His way of sharing/getting out all the things that he needed to say. Its funny but I bet I could give you a story behind almost every on of his songs. Even the controversial Wonder why they call U bitch?

As for the rest of us Shakur children? 10 years have past. And still we rise.

I work at Current TV. Kinda funny since Al Gore is our Chairman and his wife Tipper had a personal vendetta against Pac via censorship in the mid 80s. Yes, we've all talked.

Mopreme is still rapping and has recently been to India to work on a world music record. Hes going to Vegas today to pay respects.

Sekyiwa is working on many things, one being the female version of Makaveli Branded.

Chinua is still in Texas cute as ever.

Ayize works in the East Bay as a counselor for a college prep school.

There are 6 of us. Almost all of you who are Pac fans probably haven't even heard of most of us. But there we are.

So enough of my ramblings. I really wanted to just thank everyone for their continuous love and support for our family. You are as much a part of Pac as we are.

Who was Tupac Amaru Shakur? Only you know that. Hes been called a teacher. A poet. A son. A friend. A companion. A lover.

For me, big brother.

Who was he to you? What was your favorite album? Favorite song? Would love for you to reply...

peace and blessing...love and light.


Lyrics excert from "Life Goes On". Played at our family memorial when he died:

"Bury me smilin'
with G's in my pocket
have a party at my funeral
let every rapper rock it
let tha hoes that I usta know
from way before
kiss me from my head to my toe
give me a paper and a pen
so I can write about my life of sin
a couple bottles of Gin
incase I don't get in
tell all my people i'm a Ridah
nobody cries when we die
we outlaws
let me ride
until I get free
I live my life in tha fast lane
got police chasen me
to my niggas from old blocks
from old crews
niggas that guided me through
back in tha old school
pour out some liquor
have a toast for tha homies
see we both gotta die
but ya chose to go before me
and brothas miss ya while your gone
you left your nigga on his own
how long we mourn
life goes on..."

i love this video b/c I get to see my two bro's together again!

Monday, September 4, 2006

ode to a weekend's holiday...

my weekend started out uneasy but has since settled into a peaceful euphoria.

quick recap:

friday night itunes jam session over drinks and bbq on a patio in the haight. candid camera over the soft glow of white lights help to make the moment perfection.

house party with an arabic drum circle. sounds of the middle east on a saturday night resonate deep within. a very eerie feeling. ridiculously sick music into the wee hours of the morning.


sunday early afternoon and over the hill we go. time to do some much needed hiking in mt tamalpias. its beautiful out today. when the sun breaks the fog, the water crystallizes into a thousand shiny pieces. we sit up on table rock and talk about the reallys and the thats cools. good time getting to know allison and ruth better. its always nice to connect on new things.

my mind wanders from the ladies conversation and i stand on the rock with my arms out. the beauty of music combined with the beauty of nature can make you drunk. i love my ipod.

take in all the beauty of the universe. release the trivialities and restrictions that we place upon her. be one.

as we marched down the hill, the sun spliced through the trees making the greens tangy and the background of ocean water look crisp.

bob dill is good people. went to visit in bolinas. here the earth glistens and theres a peace in the air that can still the soul.

im glad i could bring them into a little bit of my sunshine.

i know its kinda weird to talk about a place so intimately. its ok. let it go.

as we got back to the city, the weight of its potential toxicity turns the sky dark. yet, the beauty of san francisco still shone through, and as the buzz of night hummed outside, we began to let the wheels of destiny turn once again.

the remembrance of the day finally caught up with me and i knew i was going to have be still for a minute before i went anywhere else.

home now where i have been for the past 5 hours. snuggled tight in the chair while 1 of my roommates, DJ AM is across the way on the itunes turntable rippin it up.

if no one ever gets this but me, its ok. listen to lapland by ratatat. experimental shit. it changed my life.

reggae at the elbow room sounds like all sorts of heaven, but im not going out. way too tired. the day is settling in my bones and im stuck here. there are so many things i need to think about but im refusing to acknowledge that. not going to think about them until have to.

time to pass out. our house is freezing cold at ALL times and i cant wait to get under that down blanket and curl into a tight little ball. hope i sleep through the whole night. those nights are few and far between. well see. who knows, its been my lucky weekend thus far.

tomorrow is filled with tales of breakfast in bo, a parade of hippies, and lots of frolicking in the park with fairies and elves, co-workers and crackheads.

good times to be had always. man, i love life. whatever youre doing, make sure you do it well.

until then,