so i have six names (don't ask) and one of them is JIHADa. my mom decided the "a" on the end would make it more feminine. hmmm....
JIHAD - literally means to "struggle", striving". jihad is an arabic word that means "striving in the way of God." this striving can take a number of forms, including the daily inner struggle to be a better person.
so often misrepresented and misused...what beautiful word.
i really am humbled by those moments when you really see another. not the surface "real". not the real that we've made our norm. or the real we are around our friends. or our lovers. or our family. or even our selves sometimes. who we are in that place we hide our dirty little secrets and those thoughts we wish we never thought. but rather those moments that, no matter if we've been broken or just moved, we have had to be who we really are. when we have had no choice but to be that vulnerable in anothers presence.
i saw an old friend today. she really was a sight for sore eyes.
peace.
i love my momma. we don't like each other all the time...but we love the hell out of each other. and even though we don't always acknowledge it, or even know it for that matter, we get each other in that way that no one else does. we're a lot alike she and i. yet not so much at all...
she wrote me the following email this evening and it just reminded me to not get so wrapped up in the emotion...when i can help it. which is probably more often than i think it is. most of the time you will struggle with it and a lot of times you will lose. you're human. but, when you can, when you can sift through all the mush and mess within and find that place where there is quiet and stillness and you are able to clearly hear what the spirit is saying to you...ahhh, that is lovely. that is where you will find your beginnings of peace. that is how you will survive.
peace and blessing / love and light
thank you so much for taking care of me san francisco...i'm going home.
after 2 years of festival, parades, late night burritos, crack head drum circles in GG park, movie in the park, all night jam sessions, and all other sorts of bay area goodness with you, i'm going home. back to the great state of texas. back to lazy days and warm nights. back to hot summers and no fog.
i've been thinking about it for a while now. going back and forth, not wanting to leave such a great city, not wanting to miss out on all the great cultural aspects of SF, not wanting to just run away from hardship, and always, always, not wanting to leave THE most amazing people i've been honored to call friends.
the last couple months have been kicking my ass! life shit we all go through but a little too much of it at once for this common girl. a lot of of growth and growing up. alot of amazing and beautiful experiences. many immediate lessons i have learned and distant ones i have yet to grasp. i'm just exhausted and tired y'all! i feel like i've lost half of my light in this process and i know some of you have felt in one way or another. i gotta get back good. as my girl allison says, it takes time. so, i'm going to go home to MAKE be still and try to give myself that time. re-energize. remember who the hell i am and where i come from. and most importantly, eat my grandma's bisquits ;-)
this isn't an easy decision and i, in fact, want to take it all back as i type this. my stomach is twisted and i'm afraid. but, i've got to do something differnt and doing what i want hasn't been working out so well of late. i've put it off going back and forth with decisions, but that very fact lets me know i need to be still and breathe and i just can't here. not right now at least.
so many things that i'll say later in a long-winded mass of mush, and also want to do something to bring everyone together before i leave.
i did want to let you know what my estimated time of departure (pending $$...of course) is around August 3rd. so, if you're around and have a free moment between now and then, give me a call. i would love to shower you with hugs and kisses, tell you how much i love you, how amazing you are, how you've made my time here so very special, and how much i'll miss you...
all love always,
nzingha
ps: don't worry san francisco, you haven't seen the last of me.
so, i am anything BUT an eternal optimist when it comes to myself. especially of late. it seems that we so very often can clearly see the best in and for the people around us, but have trouble extending ourselves that very same grace. well, here's a chance for you to take a moment and honor and encourage YOURSELF. some may fit you and some may not. i highlighted the ones that spoke loudest to me.
(ps: i know it's dorky, but i like to read affirmations first thing in the morning. great way to start the day!)
The Optimist Creed
I promise myself to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
I promise myself to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
I promise myself to make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
I promise myself to look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
I promise myself to think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
I promise myself to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
I promise myself to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
I promise myself to wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
I promise myself to give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
I promise myself to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
I promise myself to think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
I promise myself to live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.
