i'll fly away...

thank you so much for taking care of me san francisco...i'm going home.

after 2 years of festival, parades, late night burritos, crack head drum circles in GG park, movie in the park, all night jam sessions, and all other sorts of bay area goodness with you, i'm going home. back to the great state of texas. back to lazy days and warm nights. back to hot summers and no fog.

i've been thinking about it for a while now. going back and forth, not wanting to leave such a great city, not wanting to miss out on all the great cultural aspects of SF, not wanting to just run away from hardship, and always, always, not wanting to leave THE most amazing people i've been honored to call friends.

the last couple months have been kicking my ass! life shit we all go through but a little too much of it at once for this common girl. a lot of of growth and growing up. alot of amazing and beautiful experiences. many immediate lessons i have learned and distant ones i have yet to grasp. i'm just exhausted and tired y'all! i feel like i've lost half of my light in this process and i know some of you have felt in one way or another. i gotta get back good. as my girl allison says, it takes time. so, i'm going to go home to MAKE be still and try to give myself that time. re-energize. remember who the hell i am and where i come from. and most importantly, eat my grandma's bisquits ;-)

this isn't an easy decision and i, in fact, want to take it all back as i type this. my stomach is twisted and i'm afraid. but, i've got to do something differnt and doing what i want hasn't been working out so well of late. i've put it off going back and forth with decisions, but that very fact lets me know i need to be still and breathe and i just can't here. not right now at least.

so many things that i'll say later in a long-winded mass of mush, and also want to do something to bring everyone together before i leave.

i did want to let you know what my estimated time of departure (pending $$...of course) is around August 3rd. so, if you're around and have a free moment between now and then, give me a call. i would love to shower you with hugs and kisses, tell you how much i love you, how amazing you are, how you've made my time here so very special, and how much i'll miss you...

all love always,

nzingha

ps: don't worry san francisco, you haven't seen the last of me.

the eternal optimist...

so, i am anything BUT an eternal optimist when it comes to myself. especially of late. it seems that we so very often can clearly see the best in and for the people around us, but have trouble extending ourselves that very same grace. well, here's a chance for you to take a moment and honor and encourage YOURSELF. some may fit you and some may not. i highlighted the ones that spoke loudest to me.
(ps: i know it's dorky, but i like to read affirmations first thing in the morning. great way to start the day!)

The Optimist Creed

I promise myself to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.

I promise myself to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.

I promise myself to make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

I promise myself to look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.

I promise myself to think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

I promise myself to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

I promise myself to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

I promise myself to wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.

I promise myself to give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

I promise myself to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

I promise myself to think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

I promise myself to live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

peace and blessing/love and light.

i find myself asking...

is it possible for a person's soul to age before they do?

peace.

lesson number: miss high and mighty...

as hard as i find this to conceive and believe:

HONESTY IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY.

see, it's even hard to type.

context: i, being the openly honest person i am, was in a tough situation. so, i chose to go the honest route rather than waiting to see if the situation would figure itself out. after doing so i found out that what i said, probably didn't need to be said because it was already known (although i wasn't aware of that), and my saying it out loud, in the end, really just kinda made it worse.

so now i know, there are some things i just need to keep to myself.

see, it's STILL hard to type.

but, lesson learned.

peace.

sorry i'm a champion...

LOVING this song. it's pretty fuckin' amazing. mad respect to Jay-Z. i finally get it...

peace.

(p.s. lyrics below)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5giXBzAv3NA

"Lost One"
(feat. Chrisette Michele)

Uh, uh, uh, uh
It's not a dis song, it's just a real song
Feel me?

I heard motherfuckers saying they made Hov
Made Hov say, "OK so, make another Hov"
Niggaz wasn't playing they day role
So we parted ways like Ben and J-Lo
I shoulda been did it but I been in a daze though
I put friends over business end of the day though
But when friends, business interests as they go
Ain't nothing left to say though
I guess we forgot what we came fo'
Shoulda stayed in food and beverage
Too much flossing
Too much Sam Rothstein
I ain't a bitch but I gotta divorce them
Hov have to get the shallow shit up off him
And I ain't even want to be famous
Niggaz is brainless to unnecessarily go through these changes
And I ain't even know how it came to this
Except that fame is
The worst drug known to man
It's stronger than, heroin
When you could look in the mirror like, "There I am"
And still not see, what you've become
I know I'm guilty of it too but, not like them
You lost one

[Chorus w/ Marsha (Jay-Z)]
Lose one, let go to get one
Left one, lose some to win some (You lost one)
Story of a champion, sorry I'm a champion
You lost one

I don't think it's meant to be, be
But she loves her work more than she does me
And honestly, at twenty-three
I would probably love my work more than I did she
So B, ain't we
It's me, and her
'Cause what she prefers over me, is work
And that's, where we, differ
So I have to give her
Free, time, even if it hurts
So breathe, mami, it's deserved
You've been put on this earth to be
All you can be, like the reserves
And me? My time in the army, it's served
So I have to allow she, her, time to serve
The time's now for her
In time she'll mature
And maybe we, can be, we, again like we were
Finally, my time's too short to share
And to ask her now, it ain't fair
So yeah, she lost one

Lose one, let go to get one
Left one, lose some to win some (Oh yeah, she lost one)
Story of a champion, sorry I'm a champion
You lost one

My nephew died in the car I bought
So I'm under the belief it's partly my fault
Close my eyes and squeeze, try to block that thought
Place any burden on me, but please, not that lord
Time don't go back, it go forward
Can't run from the pain, go towards it
Some things can't be explained, what caused it?
Such a beautiful soul, so pure, shit
Gonna see you again, I'm sure of it
'til that time, little man I'm nauseous
Your girlfriend's pregnant, the lord's gift
Almost lost my faith, that restored it
It's like having your life restarted
Can't wait for your child's life, to be a part of it
So now I'm child-like, waiting for a gift
To return, when I lost you, I lost it

Lose one, let go to get one
Left one, lose some to win some (Colleek, I lost one)
Sorry I'm a champion, Colleek, you're a champion
You lost one

fiddler on the roof...

ok, i sometimes hate to explain things because i actually love how we all generate our own thoughts/beliefs/meanings from the same information. but because i do know our minds all go to different places and interpret differently when we receive certain information, i want to say that when you read the following, don't hesitate or blow it off because of where it's from of what it says. but instead, be in the spirit of what it says/means to YOU. because in the end, that's the most important.

"when I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
-1 Corinthians 13:11

the lessons are everywhere, the question is, are you ready to learn? because all you truly have to do to hear...is be open to them.

peace and blessings / love and light

one of those boring update blogs...

wow. it's been a while. i've had lots to say (of course) but not alot of free time to say it. or internet access for that matter ;-) let's see, top 5 things going on with me (in no particular order)...

1) JOB: i started a new, NEW job at the presidio hill school. my official title is "volunteer, alumni and event coordinator", and although i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing...it's great! i sit next to the kindergarten classes so there's lots of little 2-3 foot elves and trolls running around, to and from the bathroom, falling over untied shoes strings, and eating sunflower seed and jelly sandwiches. yeah, sunflower seed and jelly. i have recently found out that ONE child, can change the earting habits of an ENTIRE school. craziness.

And then there's this thing I just head about called, white privilege conference. Ok, the what? First of all, those words together immediately red flag sketchiness in my brain. I was thinking some huge underground KKK rally. So as to my understanding, some black folks got tired of white folks coming to the diversity conferences and asking all these questions so they made them their own conference sot hat could talk and figure it out themselves? I don't know. I think it's dangerous to try to figure out "your privilege" with no context to the people it affects. And what are you going to DO with that knowledge? Because sitting around and talking about it is great, but if done for too long with no action, it's a reciprocal cycle of nothingness. any case, check out the link.

2) LOVE: life in love is amazing. not always roses and butterflies stomachs like the movies say, but oh so amazing. im learning just how selfish i've been allowed to be late and how that can cripple you later in life. thank GOD there's someone who's crazy enough to love me right now, as i am, and willing to work though all my shit with me.

thanks babe.

3) LIFE: been chillin' alot lately. trying to hit the gym on some kind of schedule so that i feel better about me all around. why is being healthy so damn hard? i mean really. i think that if people WANT to be healthy, it should be just a bit easier for them. don't you? i jumped from 140 to 160 in the past 5 months! yikes! i've decided, for me at least, it was way easier to be skinny when i was single and kinda sad. nothing to do but go to work and to the gym. not so easy when i'm happy and in love. damn boyfriends ;-)

4) SOCIAL: i'm going sky diving on saturday in monterey bay!!!!! yeah. it's been in the making for a while now and i FINALLY got all my ducks to get off thier ass and get in a row...soooo i booked it!

my nemesis...burning man. For the last 2 years I've bee trying to go but have not had the money. Now I do ($300) and I'm hesitant. I guess I know that there's still like $500 worth of stuff to buy to survive for a week in the desert. $800 is a LOT of money I don't really have. But then I think, this is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME experience. People that burn, never forget it. It can be life changing. Here, check out what I mean: all things burning man

5) HOME: recently went home for my uncles funeral. although it was very sad, it wasn't unexpected. he's abused his body with all sorts of shit for over 30 years. it guess his body said "fuck it, i'm done." so it wasn't a total shocker but it came at a bad time. my grandpa was scheduled to have major surgery the next day. so here me mom, tera and grandma are all preparing for daddy's surgery, and then kenny dies. damn. so it was an emotionally draining week. i wasn't able to see anyone which was saddening since I've been home 2x in the last 2 years. But, it just wasn't that sort of trip.

Everyone is getting back to normalcy now. Daddy seems really good. Mom is trying to get motivated, grandma is still makin' homemade jelly and calling us all by each other's names, and tera and the girls are going through and learnin' life shit.


and that's about it. once i figure out how to resize photo's in iphoto or on a MAC, i'll post em. hope that you all are well and feeling the universe's blessing with ever step...

peace and blessing, love and light.