full circle...

When you adopt the viewpoint that all that exists within your circle of life is nothing but another part of you; when you come to the conclusion that there is no one who exists, who is not a part of you; you will wisely extend to yourself an unconditional love that will be...

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i spent this weekend re-connecting with an old friend...how refreshing.

this morning i was reflecting on the people in my life, old and new. it's funny. i have this insane need to express my feelings to people in the moment i am feeling them. why? because i never want anyone in my life to ever wonder. if i were to die tomorrow, those close to me would know that i loved them, and that's important to me. so, for people who are just starting to build relationships with me and getting to know me, they can be overwhelmed and sometimes a little uneasy with the "i love you" or the "you're awesome and i wanted to let you know that".

i draw 90% my energy from being connected with these i share spirit/energy with. when i don't get to interact with these energies for a while, i feel disconnected, drained and alone. usually this break in connection is my fault. being the taurus that i am, i can be super self-absorbed and oblivious to anything besides what's in my momentary view. i neglect this person because i am hanging with that person. i don't like that. it's not really the quality of a good friend. it does, however, re-affirm how amazing my friends are because they love me even with those nasty qualities that i possess. so, i need to get to work. which for me means writing letters, emails and leaving phone messages; and in most of those cases, just saying "i love you...".

i feel better. my universe is balanced out because the people that i love know how much they feed my well-being. how much they are apart of my survival. how much i love them.

i am at peace.

10 years from now...

i got an email from k-dawg today and I realized I miss working orientation/ mcm 101/ c.a.b/sociology club/rec center! i feel like if I had to teach a class, lead a group or give a speech, i wouldn't know what to do. that's how long it's been. i hate it! i like my job, but I miss working with people on a hands-on, day to day, basis. i miss the interaction. i miss feeling like what I do, what I say and who I am will make a difference, even if a small one, in someone's life. because really, what else is the point, if not to better the world in some way. the two most important things in life (to me):

1) finding/giving/sharing/seeing/feeling/having...LOVE!

2) bettering...in whatever form it takes...a person, yourself, the world, your community, ect.

i feel very monotonous right now. but, it pays the bills, the people are awesome, and i get to wear what i want (that last one is the most important...really.) life is good. i could complain about trivial thing (i really need to get my own place, my car is broken...again, I am always broke, ect) but in the big scheme of things, I have a job, a place to live and food to eati'm ok.

i miss my family. our reunion is this weekend and Im the only one not there. its selfish, but I dont think they should have fun without me...nope.

still single in the city...no sex, just single. i sometimes feel very high schoolish. those of you who know me, know that I am super retarded when it comes to the opposite sex. i just have no experience with any of this so I have these adult feeling and wants and curiosities, but their encased in this feeling of being a 15 year-old who hasnt gone on her first date yet.

is there any help for me?!?!? hehe...

ok, its back to work. i love you all so much and miss you!

peace

new wave...

new wave sno-cones...my little piece of heaven on earth. the opening of new wave signifies the start of summer in abilene...at least for me. my favorite flavor is georgia peach. it's a peach snow-cone with strawberry through the center a little hint of tart for the tang. mmmmm...gooood.

as it, very slowly, warms up here in northern california...i find myself restless. how will i know when summer is here? are balls of ice filled with sugary yumminess a southern thing? where have all the snow-cones gone?

i am so used to the texas heat (dry and blatant) that i feel a little awkward still having to wearing a jacket in june. is summer around the corner? it's like...wait for it, wait for it...ok, go go go! the heat here is different. there's more wind in the air. that's a change. i remember being in west texas driving the corona, that has no air or tinted windows. it was like a moving sauna and the only wind you got was when you stuck your head out of the window while driving....those were the days.

i've been to the beach quite a few times lately and it's facinating to me. it's still cool (around 70), but people still go in the ocean. why? the water is super chilly! mom would say "don't go in there, you'll catch a cold!" but yet there they are...all these cool californians catching waves. interesting...

so, ode to summer! i guess i will have to just wait it out. you're coming...right? i haven't missed you have i?

flashback...

just connected with a semi-old friend, and for like a second, i missed the old days at good ole mcmurry university.

the simplicity of school...
the security of familiarity...
the ease of life...
the closeness of intimate settings...

as much as i bitched about abilene, i wouldn't trade those memories for the world: some of my highest highs and lowest lows, my grandest thoughts and my deepest growth, those people who although i may not keep in contact with, but will forever be a part of my life...

so, "hail to our dear mcmurry. long wave maroon and white..."

thank you.

i am forever changed.

conversations with others...

"You have this idea that God shows up in only one way in life. That is a dangerous idea. It stops you from seeing God all over. If you think God looks only one ways or sounds only one way or is only one way, you're going to look right past Me night and day. You'll spend your whole life looking for God and not finding Her. Because you're looking for a Him." N. Walsch

wow for me, one of my biggest struggles when i was a christian was the exclusivity of it all. this ideology that taught us that if you're not a christian, you're doomed to hell for forever and how we need to save everyone else. i have found that this can be so dangerous and detrimental. there are so many amazing spirits in my life, from all walks of faith, that i have learned so much from (reena is hindu, half of family are devout muslims, georgia and kelia follow the santo daime, lynn is buddhist, my grandfather relates to rastas) and in all these people and others, i see a passion that burns through to their very soul, i see a love that comes directly from their hearts...unfiltered, a devotion that is unbending and a faith that can move universes

short story: there are 5 blind men asked to touch whatever is lying in front of them. the first guy says his is hairy and it tickles his hand. the second says his is smooth and sleek. the third says his is soft and fabric-like. the fourth says his is wet and slippery and the fifth says his is rough and jagged. when the men finally ask what each one of them was touching, the answer is that they were all touching an elephant. the first was touching his head, the second, his tusks, the third, his belly, the fourth, his his tongue and the fifth, his feet.

stay with me.

they were all touching the same thing, yet they all explained it in these very particular and detailed ways that were very relevant and true to each of them individually. that's how i look at religion/spirituality. we are all look/going towards/focused on the same thing. whether we call it he, she, God, the universe, mother, father, allah. whether we look at it as many or few or one. I think that in the end, we are all reaching towards our higher power...we are just coming at it from different perspectives.

the spirit of God in IN you and ALL around you. it is in the little muslim girl wearing her sari to school...it is in the christian student wearing his wwjd bracelet, it is in the hindu mother praying to shiva on her lunch break, it is even in the young boy on his vision quest. If you think God looks only one ways or sounds only one way or is only one way, youll spend your whole life looking for God and not finding Herbecause you're looking for a Him. Dont become so blinded by why you perceive others to be wrong that you don't see their peace. ..and dont be so content in your right way that you miss out on what the universe is trying to reveal...

salaam alaikum
peace be unto you

conversations with myself...

"...so long as you entertain the notion that there is something or someone else out there "doing it" to you, you disempower yourself to do anything about it."

i really dig this Neale Walsch quote. so many times we walk around with this he said/she said mentality. but the truth is, no one makes you do or feel anything. sure, we don't necessarily chose the circumstances of our lives, but we are responsible for how we react to things, situations, others...ourselves. it's much easier to change what you are doing than to change what another is doing. so next time you try to blame someone or something else for what's going on in your life, take it upon yourself to do something about it...

Peace