ok, not in my defense, because i am me, but for your understanding, i spend about 98% of my time in my head. literally. its tiresome and i often wish i could not think and analyze so much, but i don't know how to stop it and denial is just not possible. i sometimes dig in and go deep instantaneously and can be intense and i know it's alot and it's all over the place. that's cool. i explain things in a way that can make you uncomfortable at times and in other moments it's like a warm blanket of understanding. sometimes i'm right on and others i'm completely off. sometimes it makes sense, and sometimes it doesn't at all. i don't know why this is, but i do know that if i don't let it be what it is and do what im moved to do, which is share...it will drive me crazy.
so, if you read something i've written and you're like "she's crazy". you're right. i am. to someone else and at another time i may be a teacher or sorts. and that's right too.
sometimes its not for you. sometimes it is and you just don't know it yet. and every once in a while...we connect.
peace
Monday, September 18, 2006
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
still i rise...
Today the 10 year anniversary of my brothers death. As cliché as it sounds, it seems like yesterday he was making fun of my Texas accent. He loved to do that :-)
Did you know that Pac LOVED pomegranates?
Did you know that one of his favorite songs of ALL time was Redemption Song by Bob Marley?
Pac was 9 when I was born. He was so excited that he wrote poetry for my naming ceremony. When I was around, he loved to tell people how I was glued to his hip for that first year. Apparently when I started crawling, I would get up every morning, take off my diaper and sit right on his head. As if thats what youre suppose to do in the morning. Like brushing your teeth.
This is the Pac I know.
I dont know the intimate details of his rap career, or the details of his crazy legal situations. I just know my big brother. We didnt grow up in the same house, nor do we share the same mother, but he is my brother. Make no mistake about that. And dont you dare question it.
Our little brother Chinua has Down Syndrome. Just in case you dont know, that makes him extra special. Extra connected to people on the inside. Although they didnt see each other often, when they did, they always laughed. That deep throaty laugh that comes from a place of pure joy. It is a special connection that is theirs only. Right after Pac died, and to this day, Chin will sometimes wake up in the morning and say Pac is funny!.
They speak even now.
Sharing these random facts/ thoughts/insights about my brother makes my heart smile. There is so much love for him all over this universe. His music has touched so many people and in so many different ways. I always thought that fame was such an ugly repercussion of who he was. He was really just telling the things of his life. His art was a lot like his therapy. Our family history is by no means normal. His reality was the FBI breaking into his house looking for our dad. His reality was wrapping his baby sister in a bullet proof vest she wouldnt get hit by stray bullets. His reality was chaos. Pac had a lot to be angry about and he could have been that crazy muthatfucker and go out do some crazy shit, but he decided to channel all (well most) of that energy into his music. And thats what he did. People wonder how my step-mom is still able to put out records. Well, hes been writing since he was at least 9 years old, and where most artists might go to the studio and lay down 2 or 3 tracks in a night, Pac would go in and lay down 6 or 7. He lived at the studio. He was non-stop. Again, his way of dealing with all the things of his past and present. His way of sharing/getting out all the things that he needed to say. Its funny but I bet I could give you a story behind almost every on of his songs. Even the controversial Wonder why they call U bitch?
As for the rest of us Shakur children? 10 years have past. And still we rise.
I work at Current TV. Kinda funny since Al Gore is our Chairman and his wife Tipper had a personal vendetta against Pac via censorship in the mid 80s. Yes, we've all talked.
Mopreme is still rapping and has recently been to India to work on a world music record. Hes going to Vegas today to pay respects.
Sekyiwa is working on many things, one being the female version of Makaveli Branded.
Chinua is still in Texas cute as ever.
Ayize works in the East Bay as a counselor for a college prep school.
There are 6 of us. Almost all of you who are Pac fans probably haven't even heard of most of us. But there we are.
So enough of my ramblings. I really wanted to just thank everyone for their continuous love and support for our family. You are as much a part of Pac as we are.
Who was Tupac Amaru Shakur? Only you know that. Hes been called a teacher. A poet. A son. A friend. A companion. A lover.
For me, big brother.
Who was he to you? What was your favorite album? Favorite song? Would love for you to reply...
peace and blessing...love and light.
ps:
Lyrics excert from "Life Goes On". Played at our family memorial when he died:
"Bury me smilin'
with G's in my pocket
have a party at my funeral
let every rapper rock it
let tha hoes that I usta know
from way before
kiss me from my head to my toe
give me a paper and a pen
so I can write about my life of sin
a couple bottles of Gin
incase I don't get in
tell all my people i'm a Ridah
nobody cries when we die
we outlaws
let me ride
until I get free
I live my life in tha fast lane
got police chasen me
to my niggas from old blocks
from old crews
niggas that guided me through
back in tha old school
pour out some liquor
have a toast for tha homies
see we both gotta die
but ya chose to go before me
and brothas miss ya while your gone
you left your nigga on his own
how long we mourn
life goes on..."
i love this video b/c I get to see my two bro's together again!
Did you know that Pac LOVED pomegranates?
Did you know that one of his favorite songs of ALL time was Redemption Song by Bob Marley?
Pac was 9 when I was born. He was so excited that he wrote poetry for my naming ceremony. When I was around, he loved to tell people how I was glued to his hip for that first year. Apparently when I started crawling, I would get up every morning, take off my diaper and sit right on his head. As if thats what youre suppose to do in the morning. Like brushing your teeth.
This is the Pac I know.
I dont know the intimate details of his rap career, or the details of his crazy legal situations. I just know my big brother. We didnt grow up in the same house, nor do we share the same mother, but he is my brother. Make no mistake about that. And dont you dare question it.
Our little brother Chinua has Down Syndrome. Just in case you dont know, that makes him extra special. Extra connected to people on the inside. Although they didnt see each other often, when they did, they always laughed. That deep throaty laugh that comes from a place of pure joy. It is a special connection that is theirs only. Right after Pac died, and to this day, Chin will sometimes wake up in the morning and say Pac is funny!.
They speak even now.
Sharing these random facts/ thoughts/insights about my brother makes my heart smile. There is so much love for him all over this universe. His music has touched so many people and in so many different ways. I always thought that fame was such an ugly repercussion of who he was. He was really just telling the things of his life. His art was a lot like his therapy. Our family history is by no means normal. His reality was the FBI breaking into his house looking for our dad. His reality was wrapping his baby sister in a bullet proof vest she wouldnt get hit by stray bullets. His reality was chaos. Pac had a lot to be angry about and he could have been that crazy muthatfucker and go out do some crazy shit, but he decided to channel all (well most) of that energy into his music. And thats what he did. People wonder how my step-mom is still able to put out records. Well, hes been writing since he was at least 9 years old, and where most artists might go to the studio and lay down 2 or 3 tracks in a night, Pac would go in and lay down 6 or 7. He lived at the studio. He was non-stop. Again, his way of dealing with all the things of his past and present. His way of sharing/getting out all the things that he needed to say. Its funny but I bet I could give you a story behind almost every on of his songs. Even the controversial Wonder why they call U bitch?
As for the rest of us Shakur children? 10 years have past. And still we rise.
I work at Current TV. Kinda funny since Al Gore is our Chairman and his wife Tipper had a personal vendetta against Pac via censorship in the mid 80s. Yes, we've all talked.
Mopreme is still rapping and has recently been to India to work on a world music record. Hes going to Vegas today to pay respects.
Sekyiwa is working on many things, one being the female version of Makaveli Branded.
Chinua is still in Texas cute as ever.
Ayize works in the East Bay as a counselor for a college prep school.
There are 6 of us. Almost all of you who are Pac fans probably haven't even heard of most of us. But there we are.
So enough of my ramblings. I really wanted to just thank everyone for their continuous love and support for our family. You are as much a part of Pac as we are.
Who was Tupac Amaru Shakur? Only you know that. Hes been called a teacher. A poet. A son. A friend. A companion. A lover.
For me, big brother.
Who was he to you? What was your favorite album? Favorite song? Would love for you to reply...
peace and blessing...love and light.
ps:
Lyrics excert from "Life Goes On". Played at our family memorial when he died:
"Bury me smilin'
with G's in my pocket
have a party at my funeral
let every rapper rock it
let tha hoes that I usta know
from way before
kiss me from my head to my toe
give me a paper and a pen
so I can write about my life of sin
a couple bottles of Gin
incase I don't get in
tell all my people i'm a Ridah
nobody cries when we die
we outlaws
let me ride
until I get free
I live my life in tha fast lane
got police chasen me
to my niggas from old blocks
from old crews
niggas that guided me through
back in tha old school
pour out some liquor
have a toast for tha homies
see we both gotta die
but ya chose to go before me
and brothas miss ya while your gone
you left your nigga on his own
how long we mourn
life goes on..."
i love this video b/c I get to see my two bro's together again!
Monday, September 4, 2006
ode to a weekend's holiday...
my weekend started out uneasy but has since settled into a peaceful euphoria.
quick recap:
friday night itunes jam session over drinks and bbq on a patio in the haight. candid camera over the soft glow of white lights help to make the moment perfection.
house party with an arabic drum circle. sounds of the middle east on a saturday night resonate deep within. a very eerie feeling. ridiculously sick music into the wee hours of the morning.
today:
sunday early afternoon and over the hill we go. time to do some much needed hiking in mt tamalpias. its beautiful out today. when the sun breaks the fog, the water crystallizes into a thousand shiny pieces. we sit up on table rock and talk about the reallys and the thats cools. good time getting to know allison and ruth better. its always nice to connect on new things.
my mind wanders from the ladies conversation and i stand on the rock with my arms out. the beauty of music combined with the beauty of nature can make you drunk. i love my ipod.
take in all the beauty of the universe. release the trivialities and restrictions that we place upon her. be one.
as we marched down the hill, the sun spliced through the trees making the greens tangy and the background of ocean water look crisp.
bob dill is good people. went to visit in bolinas. here the earth glistens and theres a peace in the air that can still the soul.
im glad i could bring them into a little bit of my sunshine.
i know its kinda weird to talk about a place so intimately. its ok. let it go.
as we got back to the city, the weight of its potential toxicity turns the sky dark. yet, the beauty of san francisco still shone through, and as the buzz of night hummed outside, we began to let the wheels of destiny turn once again.
the remembrance of the day finally caught up with me and i knew i was going to have be still for a minute before i went anywhere else.
home now where i have been for the past 5 hours. snuggled tight in the chair while 1 of my roommates, DJ AM is across the way on the itunes turntable rippin it up.
if no one ever gets this but me, its ok. listen to lapland by ratatat. experimental shit. it changed my life.
reggae at the elbow room sounds like all sorts of heaven, but im not going out. way too tired. the day is settling in my bones and im stuck here. there are so many things i need to think about but im refusing to acknowledge that. not going to think about them until have to.
time to pass out. our house is freezing cold at ALL times and i cant wait to get under that down blanket and curl into a tight little ball. hope i sleep through the whole night. those nights are few and far between. well see. who knows, its been my lucky weekend thus far.
tomorrow is filled with tales of breakfast in bo, a parade of hippies, and lots of frolicking in the park with fairies and elves, co-workers and crackheads.
good times to be had always. man, i love life. whatever youre doing, make sure you do it well.
until then,
quick recap:
friday night itunes jam session over drinks and bbq on a patio in the haight. candid camera over the soft glow of white lights help to make the moment perfection.
house party with an arabic drum circle. sounds of the middle east on a saturday night resonate deep within. a very eerie feeling. ridiculously sick music into the wee hours of the morning.
today:
sunday early afternoon and over the hill we go. time to do some much needed hiking in mt tamalpias. its beautiful out today. when the sun breaks the fog, the water crystallizes into a thousand shiny pieces. we sit up on table rock and talk about the reallys and the thats cools. good time getting to know allison and ruth better. its always nice to connect on new things.
my mind wanders from the ladies conversation and i stand on the rock with my arms out. the beauty of music combined with the beauty of nature can make you drunk. i love my ipod.
take in all the beauty of the universe. release the trivialities and restrictions that we place upon her. be one.
as we marched down the hill, the sun spliced through the trees making the greens tangy and the background of ocean water look crisp.
bob dill is good people. went to visit in bolinas. here the earth glistens and theres a peace in the air that can still the soul.
im glad i could bring them into a little bit of my sunshine.
i know its kinda weird to talk about a place so intimately. its ok. let it go.
as we got back to the city, the weight of its potential toxicity turns the sky dark. yet, the beauty of san francisco still shone through, and as the buzz of night hummed outside, we began to let the wheels of destiny turn once again.
the remembrance of the day finally caught up with me and i knew i was going to have be still for a minute before i went anywhere else.
home now where i have been for the past 5 hours. snuggled tight in the chair while 1 of my roommates, DJ AM is across the way on the itunes turntable rippin it up.
if no one ever gets this but me, its ok. listen to lapland by ratatat. experimental shit. it changed my life.
reggae at the elbow room sounds like all sorts of heaven, but im not going out. way too tired. the day is settling in my bones and im stuck here. there are so many things i need to think about but im refusing to acknowledge that. not going to think about them until have to.
time to pass out. our house is freezing cold at ALL times and i cant wait to get under that down blanket and curl into a tight little ball. hope i sleep through the whole night. those nights are few and far between. well see. who knows, its been my lucky weekend thus far.
tomorrow is filled with tales of breakfast in bo, a parade of hippies, and lots of frolicking in the park with fairies and elves, co-workers and crackheads.
good times to be had always. man, i love life. whatever youre doing, make sure you do it well.
until then,
peace
Monday, August 14, 2006
i've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...
last week was a continuous string of mondays. neverending.
except for friday. it actually felt like a friday.
weekend was very relaxing. yeah for korean independence day parties and awesomely bad movies!
excuse the cliche phrase, but lessons can be hard things to learn. even when you act on good intentions. and especially when they affect other people. they're utterly viscous in those moments...
peace,
nzingha
except for friday. it actually felt like a friday.
weekend was very relaxing. yeah for korean independence day parties and awesomely bad movies!
excuse the cliche phrase, but lessons can be hard things to learn. even when you act on good intentions. and especially when they affect other people. they're utterly viscous in those moments...
peace,
nzingha
Wednesday, August 2, 2006
rubber baby buggy bumber...
top 10 reasons (but not in any particular order) this last 2 weeks has been beautifully chaotic:
10) drunken karaoke is the best...yes!
9) boat party for work-1 year anniversary of Current TV launch
8) my dad throwing a huge hip-hop summit in the prison where he is.
7) getting a promotion at work AND a little (LITTLE) more money.
6) going to motoGP with my girl Laina-loo!
5) modeling and singing for the freebox fashion show in my favoritest place - bolinas.
4) movie in the park (showing: raiders of the lost ark!!)
3) my boy michael tolcher performing in town AND finding out out top secret info...muahahahahahahaha!
2) ridiculous thievery corporation show. RIDICULOUS!!
1) almost equal but a little bit more ridiculous manu chao concert. best concert Ive ever been to. by far!
ok, just random info. hope you have a GORGEOUS week! be safe and be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
muito amor e muitos beijos...paz!
10) drunken karaoke is the best...yes!
9) boat party for work-1 year anniversary of Current TV launch
8) my dad throwing a huge hip-hop summit in the prison where he is.
7) getting a promotion at work AND a little (LITTLE) more money.
6) going to motoGP with my girl Laina-loo!
5) modeling and singing for the freebox fashion show in my favoritest place - bolinas.
4) movie in the park (showing: raiders of the lost ark!!)
3) my boy michael tolcher performing in town AND finding out out top secret info...muahahahahahahaha!
2) ridiculous thievery corporation show. RIDICULOUS!!
1) almost equal but a little bit more ridiculous manu chao concert. best concert Ive ever been to. by far!
ok, just random info. hope you have a GORGEOUS week! be safe and be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
muito amor e muitos beijos...paz!
Monday, June 5, 2006
lions and tigers and bears...oh my!!
so its been a pretty crazy past week and end.
tom and kamel (roomate and family) brought lauryn hill to town last thursday. 1st show sold out in 2hrs. I mean, it's lauryn hill. around 2PM I get a call at work. its kamel. hes like, are you ready? ready? ready for what?? well, lauryn needs 2 backup
singers...you down?
WTF?!?!?!? seriously? no. huh? wow.
apparently 2 of her 3 singers didnt make their flight which was why I had this opportunity. i had to be at sound check at 3:30PM. i was there at 3PM.
now im sure you've all heard that lauryn is in another place now a days. oh yeah, she is. you don't touch her, don't speak to her unless she speaks to you, don't make eye contact and you ALWAYS address her as ms. hill. but I don't feel like itshollywood
with that said, we didn't start sound check until like 3 or 4 hours later. the first show was to start at 8PM. ok, standing on a stage, holding a mic and singing (for like 1 min) with lauryn hill next to me and her 10 piece band behind me...RIDICULOUS!! well, they were able to find professional stand-ins so i ended up not being needed after all. BUT, it was still pretty amazing.
just being able to sound check with her was pretty phenomenal for me. i mean, i remember being 16 and saying that if i EVER did decide to sing, i would want to sing backup for lauryn hill. that specific. so yeah, pretty much my dream came true. how crazy is that!??!??! who can say that their dream, that thing you kind of put up there as probably could never happen but boy if it did... has come true?
the show itself was interesting. she played some miseducation... songs but shes given then a totally different. sounded pretty bad at first, but I think that once they get it all together, it will be pretty fantastic. the second show, that was suppose to start at 11PM, didnt start until 1AM and it was STILL packed at 1! thats the pull of lauryn. oh, i mean, ms. hill...
4th of july was great! went out to bolinas which is my own personal piece of heaven. its a small beach community of about 500 people that have all grown up together. Theres a huge tug-of-war between bolinas and stinson at like 9AM and then have a parade and then a street party in the center of town. ive decided that im an honorary bo-local :-) after that everyone goes to the beach and theres a huge family style beach party with local DJing and lots of dancing. my trips to bolinas are without exception, always refreshing and beautifully peaceful. this one was no different. it was utter perfection...
i think im going to be able to go to burning man this year! i cant even explain it. youll have to check it out : http://www.burningman.com/. kinda ridiculously awesome.
and how was your 4th of july?
peace
tom and kamel (roomate and family) brought lauryn hill to town last thursday. 1st show sold out in 2hrs. I mean, it's lauryn hill. around 2PM I get a call at work. its kamel. hes like, are you ready? ready? ready for what?? well, lauryn needs 2 backup
singers...you down?
WTF?!?!?!? seriously? no. huh? wow.
apparently 2 of her 3 singers didnt make their flight which was why I had this opportunity. i had to be at sound check at 3:30PM. i was there at 3PM.
now im sure you've all heard that lauryn is in another place now a days. oh yeah, she is. you don't touch her, don't speak to her unless she speaks to you, don't make eye contact and you ALWAYS address her as ms. hill. but I don't feel like its
with that said, we didn't start sound check until like 3 or 4 hours later. the first show was to start at 8PM. ok, standing on a stage, holding a mic and singing (for like 1 min) with lauryn hill next to me and her 10 piece band behind me...RIDICULOUS!! well, they were able to find professional stand-ins so i ended up not being needed after all. BUT, it was still pretty amazing.
just being able to sound check with her was pretty phenomenal for me. i mean, i remember being 16 and saying that if i EVER did decide to sing, i would want to sing backup for lauryn hill. that specific. so yeah, pretty much my dream came true. how crazy is that!??!??! who can say that their dream, that thing you kind of put up there as probably could never happen but boy if it did... has come true?
the show itself was interesting. she played some miseducation... songs but shes given then a totally different. sounded pretty bad at first, but I think that once they get it all together, it will be pretty fantastic. the second show, that was suppose to start at 11PM, didnt start until 1AM and it was STILL packed at 1! thats the pull of lauryn. oh, i mean, ms. hill...
4th of july was great! went out to bolinas which is my own personal piece of heaven. its a small beach community of about 500 people that have all grown up together. Theres a huge tug-of-war between bolinas and stinson at like 9AM and then have a parade and then a street party in the center of town. ive decided that im an honorary bo-local :-) after that everyone goes to the beach and theres a huge family style beach party with local DJing and lots of dancing. my trips to bolinas are without exception, always refreshing and beautifully peaceful. this one was no different. it was utter perfection...
i think im going to be able to go to burning man this year! i cant even explain it. youll have to check it out : http://www.burningman.com/. kinda ridiculously awesome.
and how was your 4th of july?
peace
Friday, June 2, 2006
this is your brain on drugs...
it's friday. yeah! i hope everyone has something fabulous to look forward to if not just the fact that we don't have to go to work tomorrow! me? i'll probably hit up the festival. there's always some festival going on in SF. The corndog festival, the garlic festival, the "i like to pick my nose" festival. so much fun!
saw x-men last night. LOVED it! i seriously think i have some dormant mutant power. i've always felt different. and not just because i have a split personality. hahaha. so, i've been pondering what it could be. if you could have any mutant/superpower, what would you have? seriously, i want to know.
the main reason of this blog is a "nzingha is really retardant" story.
my honda is a fucking 4-door!!!
i went through all that trying to get out of the front door, and there was a perfectly good back door right next to me. yeah.
yeah.
peace
simple life - carolyn dawn johnson
I have wondered this world far and wide
I've been all around to the other side
But there's nothin' like comin' home
I wanna sit on my front porch and drink my lemonade
Cut my grass after church every Sunday
And go out on Saturday night
Live the simple life
Wake up in the morning to these fields of gold
And take a long walk down a gravel road
Spend my days in the sweet sunshine
Rock in my swing and watch my garden grow
Know that I'll always have someone to hold
Oh I-I-I wanna live the simple life
I wanna take a blanket down to the creek
And let the water sing me to sleep
Let go of time
Live the simple life
Lately I've seen too many city lights
I wanna go somewhere where I can see the stars at night
Spend my days in the sweet sunshine
Rock in my swing and watch my garden grow
Know that I'll always have someone to hold
Oh I-I-I wanna live the simple life
Spend my days in the sweet sunshine
Rock in my swing and watch my garden grow
Know that I'll always have someone to hold
Oh I-I-I wanna live the simple life
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