om shanti shanti shanti...

soooooo, i'll be 25 soon and as always, pondering my next move. like usual, i am working on forward movement with Self (some days more than others); mentally, physically, spiritually...my trinity is working overtime!

what will this new year have in store for me?

now a days everyone is talking about this idea of a quarter life crisis. same idea as a mid-life crisis, but it's mid-mid-life. i totally bought into it at first (yeah, i'm having a breakdown...ahhh!!) but then i realized its kind of a cop-out at the same time. do we not know what to do with ourselves sometimes? fa sho. but EVERYONE does. being 25 doesn't give you some special privilege to feel sorry for yourself. we all get that feeling. i promise. my mom is 51 and still trying to figure her shit out. i feel like it's a luxury to say "oh, what to do with my life..." there are a lot of people that don't have that choice. they have to "do" to survive. whatever life hands them, they deal. just get over yourself already nzingha!

although i don't have alot, i've never been without. yeah, i've had some fucked up things happen to me, but i'm a survivor. and no matter how "lonely" i may feel at times, there are some ridiculously amazing people in this world that love me. i'm realizing it's ok to not know. although we might think that we have to have this and that done by such and such time, really, we're all on our own personal timeline with the universe. life is moving and unfolding as it should...right here, right now. wherever you are and whatever you're doing is exactly where you're suppose to be and what you're suppose to be doing. it can't not be. it is what it is. and no, that doesn't give you the excuse to not work at it. it just means that if you're having a hard time getting it, don't be so hard on yourself.

the fact that i can sit here and say "i don't know..." in regards to my present and my future, means i'm blessed. which on some level, i knew. but this was like a new perspective on blessings for me.

yes i'm a dork sometimes. deal.

peace



"there's a version of you
that you have yet to meet
and it lives on it's own
and it hides underneath.
and it waits for the moment to surface
through your skin, and your eyes, and your tongue.
and it hates that you don't understand it yet.
you're too young
you're too young
you're too young.
you're too young
you're too young
you're too young.

emerge

and the season has come
when all things can grow.
when the sleeping awakens
winds of change will blow
and with open eyes you see in the light that the colors are brilliant again
with the strength and the sound of the crying breath,
you begin
you begin
you begin.
you begin
you begin
you begin.

emerge

-michael tolcher

testing one, two, three...

dj playing, drinks they flow
everyone dancing to and fro
birthday parties, old but new
good companions know what to do

leave the city, let freedom ring
sun bronzing skin as voices sing
bellies full of grandma's love
lying in fields with stars above

driving back, energies high
see you next time and not goodbye
as fresh air rejuvenates uncertainties flee
and the Peace of spirit flows through me

inhale out, winding down
ocean waves a familiar sound
favorite movies come to end
soon for sleep new day begin...

what a beautifully satiating weekend.

peace

thank god it's friday!

happy friday to all! these past couple of days have been quite fantastic if i do say so myself. and i just did. beautiful weather, which always elevates my spirit, and some good socializing with some fabulous new ladies i met. not necessarily new friends, just new energies prime for connection; especially because i was sensing that they had stories to tell. in general i'm usually pretty nosey right off. who cares if i never see them again, i don't like surfacey interaction. i like to know what makes people tick. it's quite intriguing...

i ALSO saw paul mooney do stand-up here in SF last night. he's been on the chappelle show but the coolest part to me was that he used to write for richard pryor. now that's sick. the show was ridiculous! he's so fuckin' raw and i loved it! my personal highlight you might ask?

paul mooney in the beginning of the show:
"i think we should kill all the white people. what if my momma was white? the bitch would be dead."

paul mooney at the end of the show:
"thank you white people for braving it and staying through the whole show."

to all my pigmently challenged friends, you know i love you, but that shit was funny. sorry bout it.

so anyways, i'm off to see my grandma this weekend and eat some delicious pakistani food, sleep all day and watch DVD's until the wee hours of the morn. which for me is like 11PM. :-)

whatever you do, wherever you're doing it and whoever you're doing it with...make sure you use protection. hahahaha. no, but really, have a great and safe weekend.

i'll see you on monday...

peace

hangin' out to dry...

i miss the smell of the sheets right after grandma brings them in from the clothes line outside. i used to wrap myself up and hide within them; dreaming dreams and thinking thoughts...

they always smell just like a summers day. as if by breathing them in, i could feel the warmth of the sun shining down and the energy of the afternoon breeze flowing through, just as they had.

peace

rainbows and flutterby's...

this is how i started my morning. ache! mother nature is truly the most beautiful of artists...

peace

stigmata...

i read this quite a while ago, and it often comes back to me presented in the most random of ways. today it was my niece who needed me to read something for her online and it happened to be at the top corner of the page.

from the gospel of thomas:

"the kingdom of God is inside you and all around you; not in mansions of wood and stone. split a piece of wood...and I am there. lift a stone...and there you will find me."

no matter what spiritual path you follow, i love the empowerment and freedom this presents...

peace

april showers bring may flowers?

it has been HELLA rainy here. i've heard it's not normal of SF weather so it's a bit less depressing, but not by much. i need some sunshiney goodness! i need the sun's warm rays of rejuvenation! my insides (metaphorically and literally) have been melancholy for a while now. a multitude of reasons for this, but one simply being because I haven't been able to be out. cabin fever is a bitch. i miss texas (i remember when it was 75 degrees on christmas day...that's how we do).

-WELL-

saturday the sun came out (YEAH for me!) and i immediately remember how beautiful "being" is. yes, it was that serious. to feel the warmth on my skin, to see the rich colors twinkle and shine, to smell the honeysuckle (which i was pleasantly surprised to find here) and to enjoy people celebrating nature's simple treasures.

waking up around 7AM, i spent ALL day outside. avoiding as many buildings and cars as possible, i ran and hiked and walked and hiked some more. lots of working through thought processes i've been avoiding and LOTS of meditation. ipod shuffle in hand (must have music at all times). hahaha, there were several times when i randomly broke out in a smile for no particular reason other than the fact that i was in a place of pure happiness. i'm a dork, i know. but it was truly a wholesome, great day.

-SO-

here it is monday again and i'm back at work. mondays are rough. memories of the weekend still lingering yet so far away at the same time. the dark clouds are outside hovering, threatening. NO...GO AWAY! i plan to hang onto my saturday for a least a couple more hours...

didn't realize that easter weekend is coming up. anyone doing anything special? i LOVE easter memories. they're filled with pastel colors, new dresses w/ patent leather shoes, and tacky dollar store easter baskets stuffed with that plastic, streamer-like stuff (that's suppose to resemble grass) with those marshmallow easter bunnies that i hate and refuse to eat, but love at the same time. little children secretly thinking of and plotting ways to find the most eggs in the hunt. glorious. i'm going to pinole on saturday to hang with my big brother moe and my in-laws (his wife's family). lots of good spanish/nicaraguan food, cuban cigars, brandy, and latin music. if any of my peeps are going to be on their own and/or just want to be around family (even if it's not yours; believe me, i can definitely dig it) give me a holla and come with. love and light...

peace