holiday osho...

well...today marks the 1 year anniversary of my move to SF. it actually doesn't feel like it's been a full year. except when i think about the people i haven't seen in that time. (memories) so much has happened and yet not much at all. new friendships made, old ones lost and lots of growth in between. i had the privilege of spending my holidays surrounded by love and sharing that with very beautiful souls. one of them gave me a postcard that had a simple meditation written on it. of course i wanted to share. it's what i do.

SWEET-HEARTED ONE, MEDITATE ON KNOWING AND NOT KNOWING, EXISTING AND NOT EXISTING, THEN LEAVE BOTH ASIDE THAT YOU MAY BE

peace

college and care packages...

i just realized it's care package time :-) one of my favorite times of the year in college was right during finals. amidst all the late night study groups, cliff's notes, coffee binges and illegal papers from the internet (i was just looking for general direction...really) we would send out these letters to parents encouraging them to buy care packages for their students.
a care package is a box/bag of goodness filled with everything a student needs for finals.
stuff like:
paper
pencils
notebooks
highlighters
and most importantly late-night studying junk food (my favorite was fruit roll ups. processed pressed fruit...yummy!)

all packed in a box/bag along with a nice warm-fuzzy note from the parent or friend who sent it.

yeah, i love care packages.

so for all you fellow crammers out there (and you goody two shoes who actually did your work on time and are prepared), here's your care package of love from me to you...GOOD LUCK ON FINALS!!!!

peace

past lives and home videos...

past lives and home videos...

i was telling my friend zoe that i think i was a bird in one of my past lives. a beautiful, rare, exotic bird :-) maybe i was even called an "nzingha" bird. nah, that would be too cheesy. but, i know i always seem to get antsy when i stay in one place for too long, like i'm need to take flight and re-locate. see. yeah, i was a bird :-) you ever think about that? past lives? i'm reading a book about past life regressions. now, i'm definitely a skeptic, but it's quite interesting. many people have claimed to have gotten over life fears by finding out where the fears originated (another lifetime) and by doing so, letting them go.

interesting.

in other news, sadly i cannot go home for christmas. the 1 year anniversary of "i haven't seen my family or been home" will be dec 27th. i miss them so. they really are to coolest people i know. so, since i can't be there, in a moment of utter genius, which i rarely have, i decided to make a home video for them! i work at a tv network, so it shouldn't be that hard to get help. right? so, i'm going to tape where i live, where i work, where some asshole did a hit and run on my front bumper, and all my friends here in SF. and then i'll do a special birthday jig for daddy (my grandpa) because his birthday is christmas eve.

yeah, it's going to be good. if the procrastinator in me will just stay at bay long enough for me to finish.

what are your holiday plans?? if you're in SF, let's get together, kiss under the mistletoe, sing some tunes, and have some rum with a little egg nog in it. but just a little egg nog, i don't really like it that much :-)

peace

the dreaded f...

i have made a couple of big steps into the world these last couple of weeks. it doesn't matter what they were, but the lesson that i learned from them.

i know...i live in my head WAY too much :-) so here it is:

letting go of fear is freeing...

*insert your own personal interpretation here* it's quite a simple statement i agree, but one so often overlooked. think about the things you don't do because.

ex) i want to move, but what if _____?
i like him/her, but what if _____?
i want to do this/that, but what if ____?

we miss out on so very much by allowing those things to take precedence over our living. letting our fears run our lives. not to say we should all just run around like crazy crazes (come on now, youre being nit-picky), but i know for myself, there are definitely some things that are holding me back. i try to live life to the fullest i know how. if i never see those scary/unknown situations through, they would be just another one of those. how can that be truly living? you know what, even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. you will have your heart broken probably more than once. you'll fight with your best friend. you'll fail at more than one thing, more than once. so there. the secrets out and you know your future. now you can go out and LIVE because every chance passed, is a beautiful experience you'll never get back.

here i am trying.

song time...

ok, we all know that i'm a music JUNKIE! i heard of this hasidic jew who goes by the name of matisyahu and sings dancehall music. pretty interesting mix. so i checked it out. didn't love all of it, but one song, king without a crown, was really amazing. once i read the lyrics and listened to it again, it became this beautiful tribute to his G-d. so, read the lyrics, then go check out the song on myspace: http://www.myspace.com/matisyahu

King Without A Crown

You're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I want to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me
You're the air that I breathe
Sometimes the world is dark and I just can't see
With these, demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity
But I believe, yes I believe, I said I believe
I'll stand on my own two feet
Won't be brought down on one knee
Fight with all of my might and get these demons to flee
Hashem's rays fire blaze burn bright and I believe
Hashem's rays fire blaze burn bright and I believe
Out of darkness comes light, twilight unto the heights
Crown Heights burnin' up all through till midnight
Said, thank you to my G-d, now I finally got it right
And I'll fight with all of my heart, and all a' my soul, and all a' my might

Chorus (2x):
What's this feeling?
My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
Givin' myself to you from the essence of my being
Sing to my G-d all these songs of love and healing
Want Moshiach now so it's time we start revealing

Strip away the layers and reveal your soul
Got to give yourself up and then you become whole
You're a slave to yourself and you don't even know
You want to live the fast life but your brain moves slow
If you're trying to stay high then you're bound to stay low
You want G-d but you can't deflate your ego
If you're already there then there's nowhere to go
If you're cup's already full then its bound to overflow
If you're drowning in the water's and you can't stay afloat
Ask Hashem for mercy and he'll throw you a rope
You're looking for help from G-d you say he couldn't be found
Looking up to the sky and searchin' beneath the ground
Like a King without his Crown
Yes, you keep fallin' down
You really want to live but can't get rid of your frown
Tried to reach unto the heights and wound bound down on the ground
Given up your pride and the you heard a sound
Out of night comes day and out of day comes light
Nullified to the One like sunlight in a ray,
Makin' room for his love and a fire gone blaze
Makin' room for his love and a fire gone blaze

Chorus

the road less traveled...

one of my many life lessons is not to judge or allow myself to be judged by other's standards. life paths are like fingerprints...none are the same. so why set yourself up to fail at someone elses accomplishment. besides, its already been done, so why be redundant. find your own mistakes and keep at them until you get one that doesn't fail in the end.

do what tastes good. as for me, my path is my own, and I have no clue where the hell it's leading me. but I'm going to make the best of it, and not judge my progress based on someone else's level of achievement.

peace

mankind...

i just watched a video of a man being beaten by police officers in new orleans for no apparent reason. to protect and to serve right? he was lying in the street soaked in a puddle of his blood and the skin from his face hanging off. this really disturbed me on a bigger, deeper level. im sure you've heard this, but man is the only animal that kills for reasons other than for survival/the only animal that kills for sport. it disgusts me what we as humanity, the "greatest of God's creations" are sometimes capable of...

"jah would never give the power to a baldhead,

run come crucify the dread.

time alone-oh time will tell.

think you're in heaven,

but you're living in hell."

bob marley - "time will tell"

peace

oh my soul...

I am sitting here listening to my praise and worship mix and I just love it! It takes me back to my days of singing backup for GCM with Becky, banging to Jesus Freak at church camp with my OVBC crew, and going to Grace Bible study listening to Jeff Berry lead worship and Matt Chandler give an always amazing sermon.

Most of you know that I used to be a strong follower of Christ and throughout it all, the most beautiful connection that I found with God, was through music. When I was singing, it was me and He. Even thought I don't consider myself a Christian anymore, that journey was a major influential part of my life. A jump start if I may. Its interesting; so many people bound themselves to these rules/laws of religion , and thats ok if that works for you. It was definitely something that I needed at that time and am very appreciate for. I believe that your relationship with your high power is between the two of you. As for me, I prefer to allow myself to be unbound. To be open to all the spiritual experiences that the universe has for me. To allow myself the freedom of belief. So, as I sit here listening to "Refuge", a beautiful love song to God, I allow myself to be touched in this plane of spiritual reality, as deeply as I was in my past one.

full circle...

When you adopt the viewpoint that all that exists within your circle of life is nothing but another part of you; when you come to the conclusion that there is no one who exists, who is not a part of you; you will wisely extend to yourself an unconditional love that will be...

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

i spent this weekend re-connecting with an old friend...how refreshing.

this morning i was reflecting on the people in my life, old and new. it's funny. i have this insane need to express my feelings to people in the moment i am feeling them. why? because i never want anyone in my life to ever wonder. if i were to die tomorrow, those close to me would know that i loved them, and that's important to me. so, for people who are just starting to build relationships with me and getting to know me, they can be overwhelmed and sometimes a little uneasy with the "i love you" or the "you're awesome and i wanted to let you know that".

i draw 90% my energy from being connected with these i share spirit/energy with. when i don't get to interact with these energies for a while, i feel disconnected, drained and alone. usually this break in connection is my fault. being the taurus that i am, i can be super self-absorbed and oblivious to anything besides what's in my momentary view. i neglect this person because i am hanging with that person. i don't like that. it's not really the quality of a good friend. it does, however, re-affirm how amazing my friends are because they love me even with those nasty qualities that i possess. so, i need to get to work. which for me means writing letters, emails and leaving phone messages; and in most of those cases, just saying "i love you...".

i feel better. my universe is balanced out because the people that i love know how much they feed my well-being. how much they are apart of my survival. how much i love them.

i am at peace.

10 years from now...

i got an email from k-dawg today and I realized I miss working orientation/ mcm 101/ c.a.b/sociology club/rec center! i feel like if I had to teach a class, lead a group or give a speech, i wouldn't know what to do. that's how long it's been. i hate it! i like my job, but I miss working with people on a hands-on, day to day, basis. i miss the interaction. i miss feeling like what I do, what I say and who I am will make a difference, even if a small one, in someone's life. because really, what else is the point, if not to better the world in some way. the two most important things in life (to me):

1) finding/giving/sharing/seeing/feeling/having...LOVE!

2) bettering...in whatever form it takes...a person, yourself, the world, your community, ect.

i feel very monotonous right now. but, it pays the bills, the people are awesome, and i get to wear what i want (that last one is the most important...really.) life is good. i could complain about trivial thing (i really need to get my own place, my car is broken...again, I am always broke, ect) but in the big scheme of things, I have a job, a place to live and food to eati'm ok.

i miss my family. our reunion is this weekend and Im the only one not there. its selfish, but I dont think they should have fun without me...nope.

still single in the city...no sex, just single. i sometimes feel very high schoolish. those of you who know me, know that I am super retarded when it comes to the opposite sex. i just have no experience with any of this so I have these adult feeling and wants and curiosities, but their encased in this feeling of being a 15 year-old who hasnt gone on her first date yet.

is there any help for me?!?!? hehe...

ok, its back to work. i love you all so much and miss you!

peace

new wave...

new wave sno-cones...my little piece of heaven on earth. the opening of new wave signifies the start of summer in abilene...at least for me. my favorite flavor is georgia peach. it's a peach snow-cone with strawberry through the center a little hint of tart for the tang. mmmmm...gooood.

as it, very slowly, warms up here in northern california...i find myself restless. how will i know when summer is here? are balls of ice filled with sugary yumminess a southern thing? where have all the snow-cones gone?

i am so used to the texas heat (dry and blatant) that i feel a little awkward still having to wearing a jacket in june. is summer around the corner? it's like...wait for it, wait for it...ok, go go go! the heat here is different. there's more wind in the air. that's a change. i remember being in west texas driving the corona, that has no air or tinted windows. it was like a moving sauna and the only wind you got was when you stuck your head out of the window while driving....those were the days.

i've been to the beach quite a few times lately and it's facinating to me. it's still cool (around 70), but people still go in the ocean. why? the water is super chilly! mom would say "don't go in there, you'll catch a cold!" but yet there they are...all these cool californians catching waves. interesting...

so, ode to summer! i guess i will have to just wait it out. you're coming...right? i haven't missed you have i?

flashback...

just connected with a semi-old friend, and for like a second, i missed the old days at good ole mcmurry university.

the simplicity of school...
the security of familiarity...
the ease of life...
the closeness of intimate settings...

as much as i bitched about abilene, i wouldn't trade those memories for the world: some of my highest highs and lowest lows, my grandest thoughts and my deepest growth, those people who although i may not keep in contact with, but will forever be a part of my life...

so, "hail to our dear mcmurry. long wave maroon and white..."

thank you.

i am forever changed.

conversations with others...

"You have this idea that God shows up in only one way in life. That is a dangerous idea. It stops you from seeing God all over. If you think God looks only one ways or sounds only one way or is only one way, you're going to look right past Me night and day. You'll spend your whole life looking for God and not finding Her. Because you're looking for a Him." N. Walsch

wow for me, one of my biggest struggles when i was a christian was the exclusivity of it all. this ideology that taught us that if you're not a christian, you're doomed to hell for forever and how we need to save everyone else. i have found that this can be so dangerous and detrimental. there are so many amazing spirits in my life, from all walks of faith, that i have learned so much from (reena is hindu, half of family are devout muslims, georgia and kelia follow the santo daime, lynn is buddhist, my grandfather relates to rastas) and in all these people and others, i see a passion that burns through to their very soul, i see a love that comes directly from their hearts...unfiltered, a devotion that is unbending and a faith that can move universes

short story: there are 5 blind men asked to touch whatever is lying in front of them. the first guy says his is hairy and it tickles his hand. the second says his is smooth and sleek. the third says his is soft and fabric-like. the fourth says his is wet and slippery and the fifth says his is rough and jagged. when the men finally ask what each one of them was touching, the answer is that they were all touching an elephant. the first was touching his head, the second, his tusks, the third, his belly, the fourth, his his tongue and the fifth, his feet.

stay with me.

they were all touching the same thing, yet they all explained it in these very particular and detailed ways that were very relevant and true to each of them individually. that's how i look at religion/spirituality. we are all look/going towards/focused on the same thing. whether we call it he, she, God, the universe, mother, father, allah. whether we look at it as many or few or one. I think that in the end, we are all reaching towards our higher power...we are just coming at it from different perspectives.

the spirit of God in IN you and ALL around you. it is in the little muslim girl wearing her sari to school...it is in the christian student wearing his wwjd bracelet, it is in the hindu mother praying to shiva on her lunch break, it is even in the young boy on his vision quest. If you think God looks only one ways or sounds only one way or is only one way, youll spend your whole life looking for God and not finding Herbecause you're looking for a Him. Dont become so blinded by why you perceive others to be wrong that you don't see their peace. ..and dont be so content in your right way that you miss out on what the universe is trying to reveal...

salaam alaikum
peace be unto you

conversations with myself...

"...so long as you entertain the notion that there is something or someone else out there "doing it" to you, you disempower yourself to do anything about it."

i really dig this Neale Walsch quote. so many times we walk around with this he said/she said mentality. but the truth is, no one makes you do or feel anything. sure, we don't necessarily chose the circumstances of our lives, but we are responsible for how we react to things, situations, others...ourselves. it's much easier to change what you are doing than to change what another is doing. so next time you try to blame someone or something else for what's going on in your life, take it upon yourself to do something about it...

Peace